Trusting in the Process

I have to admit.  I am feeling a little sorry for myself.  The gratitude for sobriety that has been at the very forefront of my mind daily has yielded a bit to life's stresses and challenges.  In the past couple of weeks I have had specialized equipment break in my business that cost me thousands of dollars, my office internet went out, our fax machine died and other business challenges have been sprouting like weeds.  I finally did go to my big business conference that I had mentioned in my previous blog.  I was so worried about that darn wine tasting.  Well, I arrived at my conference stressed out due to all of the business challenges and things just went from bad to worse.  I think I mentioned that I play a large role in running the conference.  Well everything under the sun went wrong.  In over 10 years of event planning (a volunteer role I do within my professinal association), this was by far the worst event we have ever, ever, ever had.  A lot of the problems had to do with the venue.  They failed to do deliver on just about every level.  We will never go back to that location again.  However, there were other problems that occurred with vendors and speakers as well.  I am a stickler for details and confirmations.  Yet with this event, it was like a cloud of chaos followed me right from my business to my conference even in spite of all my normal checks and balances.  This conference was in no way reflective of our normal events and I am fully aware that the things that went wrong were not my doing.  Still, it was very challenging. 

By day two, I decided that I would drink.  We hadn't even gotten to day three... the wine tasting.  I had decided that since I was well rested and sober and everything was STILL going wrong I should just go ahead and have some wine at the cocktail reception.  In all my years of running conference, I never had so many problems.  Usually all goes well and I am usually schmoozing in the evening over wine with the speakers and colleagues.  So clearly I needed to go back to doing my normal routine for these types of events and that includes wine.  Now, it is not that I merely perceived things were going well in the past because I was drinking.  They really were going well.  Anyway, there was only two things that stopped me from drinking wine.  The first was Belle.  I am doing her 100 day challenge.  She has checked in with me a few times.  (I am very bad at taking the time to do the daily email.)  I didn't want to tell her that I didn't complete my 100 days.  The second thing was me.  There is something happening in this process of recovery and I don't want to interfere with the process that is unfolding.  I have this certaintly in my gut that I am gaining more and more clarity, my self esteem is building, my ability to cope with stress is growing and I just feel more like me.  Sometimes I still feel that I could try moderation again because my times of overdoing it were just a few times a year.  (But when I did overdo it, it was BAD.)  I could be lying to myself as to whether that is possible.  Still, I really feel that right now it is essential for me to let this process unfold.  There are gems being revealed to me along the way and I don't want to give up those gems.

Now back to feeling sorry for myself.  As I was dancing on the edge of a meltdown at my conference and toying with drinking wine, I felt very alone.  I choose not to attend any kind of group recovery.  Reading the recovery blogs helps.  However, my colleagues wouldn't care one way or the other if I drank.  My friends and in whom I have confided were not present at this business event.  It was just me and Belle in  my head.  I have always been one to want to do it my way.  I have always been one who doesn't ask for or seek help.  But I realize now that I do need a little support or to simply be in communication with others going through the same thing.  I have read a lot of recovery blogs and I see all of the support.  I feel very isolated from that community.  I feel like no one is reading this.  So it goes back to me taking care of myself and doing it on my own.  I am proud of myself that when it was just me and my head, I made the right decision.  But I also realized how easy it would be to just say nevermind... it is my choice and no one will ever know the difference anyway.