Trusting in the Process

I have to admit.  I am feeling a little sorry for myself.  The gratitude for sobriety that has been at the very forefront of my mind daily has yielded a bit to life's stresses and challenges.  In the past couple of weeks I have had specialized equipment break in my business that cost me thousands of dollars, my office internet went out, our fax machine died and other business challenges have been sprouting like weeds.  I finally did go to my big business conference that I had mentioned in my previous blog.  I was so worried about that darn wine tasting.  Well, I arrived at my conference stressed out due to all of the business challenges and things just went from bad to worse.  I think I mentioned that I play a large role in running the conference.  Well everything under the sun went wrong.  In over 10 years of event planning (a volunteer role I do within my professinal association), this was by far the worst event we have ever, ever, ever had.  A lot of the problems had to do with the venue.  They failed to do deliver on just about every level.  We will never go back to that location again.  However, there were other problems that occurred with vendors and speakers as well.  I am a stickler for details and confirmations.  Yet with this event, it was like a cloud of chaos followed me right from my business to my conference even in spite of all my normal checks and balances.  This conference was in no way reflective of our normal events and I am fully aware that the things that went wrong were not my doing.  Still, it was very challenging. 

By day two, I decided that I would drink.  We hadn't even gotten to day three... the wine tasting.  I had decided that since I was well rested and sober and everything was STILL going wrong I should just go ahead and have some wine at the cocktail reception.  In all my years of running conference, I never had so many problems.  Usually all goes well and I am usually schmoozing in the evening over wine with the speakers and colleagues.  So clearly I needed to go back to doing my normal routine for these types of events and that includes wine.  Now, it is not that I merely perceived things were going well in the past because I was drinking.  They really were going well.  Anyway, there was only two things that stopped me from drinking wine.  The first was Belle.  I am doing her 100 day challenge.  She has checked in with me a few times.  (I am very bad at taking the time to do the daily email.)  I didn't want to tell her that I didn't complete my 100 days.  The second thing was me.  There is something happening in this process of recovery and I don't want to interfere with the process that is unfolding.  I have this certaintly in my gut that I am gaining more and more clarity, my self esteem is building, my ability to cope with stress is growing and I just feel more like me.  Sometimes I still feel that I could try moderation again because my times of overdoing it were just a few times a year.  (But when I did overdo it, it was BAD.)  I could be lying to myself as to whether that is possible.  Still, I really feel that right now it is essential for me to let this process unfold.  There are gems being revealed to me along the way and I don't want to give up those gems.

Now back to feeling sorry for myself.  As I was dancing on the edge of a meltdown at my conference and toying with drinking wine, I felt very alone.  I choose not to attend any kind of group recovery.  Reading the recovery blogs helps.  However, my colleagues wouldn't care one way or the other if I drank.  My friends and in whom I have confided were not present at this business event.  It was just me and Belle in  my head.  I have always been one to want to do it my way.  I have always been one who doesn't ask for or seek help.  But I realize now that I do need a little support or to simply be in communication with others going through the same thing.  I have read a lot of recovery blogs and I see all of the support.  I feel very isolated from that community.  I feel like no one is reading this.  So it goes back to me taking care of myself and doing it on my own.  I am proud of myself that when it was just me and my head, I made the right decision.  But I also realized how easy it would be to just say nevermind... it is my choice and no one will ever know the difference anyway. 

Sat Nam, Settling Into My Truth

Wow, it has been a while since I have written!  Life has been a bit up and down but I have remained sober.  On one hand I have been thoroughly enjoying the world free of guilt, shame, regret and hangovers but on the other hand my ragweed allergies have been killing me and it has been hard to fully enjoy my new lifestyle.  I can't hear out of one ear because I blew my nose so hard that I forced fluid into my eustachian tube.  I have been like this for three weeks and it has been thoroughly annoying!  I finally saw the ear nose throat specialist this morning and there is a plan to clear it up so hopefully there will be some improvement soon.

There have been two significant events since my last post.  The first significant thing is that I completed a really difficult hike that I had only done once before.  When I attempted it before, I made it but I really struggled.  I struggled enough that when I completed it, I cried... hard.  Tears of relief.  I struggled enough that I wondered if I would make it back before dark or would I be spending the night on the mountain.  For this particular hike, you are committed after a certain point.  You drop down into this crevasse at one point and there is no way you can turn around after that because you wouldn't be able to get back up it.  You just have to keep going even though you aren't at the summit yet.  Last time, I had a lot of fear between that point and the summit because my legs were so tired they were shaking and I was extremely out of breath.  I didn't have any certainty that I could do it.  I didn't have faith in my body and my will.  I was so sore for days afterward the last time that I could barely walk.  This time was a whole new experience.  I went with the intention of doing a practice hike since my friends and I are going to do it in October.  I intended on hiking up to the crevasse point and turning around going back down.  It was so much easier this time, I decided to do the whole thing.  Yes, it was really really hard but I actually enjoyed it this time.  I felt so much more certain of myself and I struggled so much less.  This time I was only mildly sore the next two days.  You could say I am better shape but not in that much better shape.  Maybe I have lost a few pounds but my workout regime hasn't changed much.  Honestly, I think that just staying sober, getting proper rest, and having more confidence and wellbeing made all of the difference in the world.  Just the simple act of taking care of the body instead of abusing it sure does allow you to feel more connected and confident.  All of the yoga in the world couldn't make that one connection that I can't put my finger on but it has to do with having integrity in working with your body.  Not just drink at night, do yoga during the day.  But live presently, mindfully and lovingly while treating your body with respect.

The second significant thing is that I had a girls night out last weekend.  It was our typical wine and cheese before going out, going to a fancy cocktail lounge, going to a foodie restaurant then hitting some places for some after dinner fun.  I knew that the night was going to have a lot of alcohol.   I know this doesn't support my new lifestyle but this was planned for a long time with some very close friends.  We have a hard time getting things on the calendar and it was really important to me to catch up with them.  The evening started with wine and cheese and conversation at my friends house.  I stuck to water.  I didn't feel like the oddball at all and I enjoyed talking and laughing.  My friends were really sweet to go out of their way to bring some fancy sparkly carbonated nonalcoholic drink for me.  I am having a bit of a hard time with that as I don't want to be treated differently but at the same time it was very considerate of them.  I never even ended up drinking it though as I am a water with lemon kind of gal.  It is either wine or water for me!  Anyway, next we moved to a hipster cocktail lounge, you know the kind with all of the homemade syrups and the bartender is called a mixologist.  The kind of place where you get a vodka drink with a basil pomegranate infusion or something like that.  I did fine with that too, especially since I started thinking that my friends had several glasses of wine and now are on cocktails and this would be the point where I would be starting to get rocked.  I was relieved that there I was still completely present in the moment and able to enjoy the company.  Next we moved to the bistro.  The wine list was two miles long and there was a little tiny pinch of pain that I couldn't do wine pairings with my dinner.  The only really hard part was that my friend ordered a bottle of this special champagne that she had in this certain region of Spain.  They ordered a bottle and all discussed the nuances of different types of champagne.  This is the only time that I felt like, well, geez, can't I just have one glass of champagne?  I didn't.  I also felt a little like, well I could just take a sip because then I would see what difference they are referring too in comparing Cava champagne to Prosecco.  And of course, taking a sip of champagne also proves that I have no fear of alcohol.  One sip doesn't equal this thing called relapse and I am not going to turn to ash and crumble right there at the table.  I didn't take a sip.  I can be on board with choosing to give up alcohol but lately I am having all kinds of rebellious thoughts if there is any hint of imposing rules and "can'ts" even if I am imposing them on myself.  Anyway, all of this only went on for maybe two minutes and then it was back to enjoying dinner.  After dinner we ended up stumbling (not really stumbling!) upon this place with an amazing band.  There was a bridal party at this bar, including the bride and groom, which made the scene really festive.  My friends were dancing really crazy and goofy and I joined right in.  I really have never had a problem getting crazy, free or being extroverted without drinking.  We had an amazing time.  I was really grateful to have enjoyed it in full sobriety. 

Today in doing yoga, we were doing the mantra "Sat Nam"  Sanskrit for I am truth.  Truth is my identity. I had this thought later like what if something was lost in translation and you were actually meditating on the idea of I am a lie.  Lies are my identity.  My yoga instructor and I laughed about it later.  But during my mediation, I did have this wonderful sense of peace.  I AM truth.  Truth IS my identity.  I know what it feels like to live a lie.  Even if the lie is just that it is okay to do something that is not reflecting self love and self respect.  The lie that it is fine to damage yourself physically and mentally.  That is always how I felt about drinking.  That it is holding me back from being my highest self.  It felt good to know that I wasn't actively sabotaging my highest vibrational energy, my highest potential, my authentic self, my truth.  Sat Nam. 

A Lifetime versus an Hour and a Half?

Since I made my decision to stop drinking, I knew right away one of my biggest challenges would be the ego telling me that I could still experience certain situations with alcohol.  When I look at not drinking because I am sticking to a healthier lifestyle choice, I can't think of any single situation where I would not be okay with remaining sober.  However, when I look at something as you CAN'T do that anymore, my ego gets very offended.  It is amazing how strongly I resist any kind of authority or being told what to do.  I have no idea where that came from as I have always excelled in school and in work.  It is true that I don't like following rules or having my freedom impinged upon so maybe that is why I own my own business.

Well, I was still high on life after my wonderful weekend when yesterday something took me off guard.  The registration and schedule for an upcoming professional/business association convention came in the mail.  I am a leader in my profession and am very involved in these conventions in terms of planning and running them.  There is usually a crew of leadership that might be entertaining the speakers and having dinner and drinks in the evening.  I am usually part of that crew.  Historically, a lot of business, planning and problem solving occurs over cocktails late night.  I had already decided that I was committed to not drinking and that I would go along with the entertaining and late night discussions while sipping a cranberry and soda.  There is also a cocktail reception that I knew I would be attending and I also wasn't worried about being able to enjoy that sober.  I knew all of these things always led to overimbibing and staying up too late even when I would set out not to drink too much.  I would always try to keep somewhat of a reign on things as I didn't want to embarrass myself with my colleagues.  Fortunately or unfortunately, my crew of colleagues that are leaders in our profession tend to get a little crazy themselves so nobody really noticed or thought anything of anyone getting a little fire up.  This time was going to be a different experience for me though.  I actually looked forward to enjoying the convention and sipping coffee while enthusiastically taking in the first speaker early in the morning. 

I was completely aware of the schedule and speakers for this convention as I helped to plan it.  But there was something in the schedule that threw me for a loop; something I didn't plan.  It was written right there on the brochure:  wine tasting.  Ugh.  It would be highly unusual for me to miss any kind of activity at a convention.  I am expected to be an active participant and somewhat of a host.  I can attend a cocktail reception and drink nonalcoholic drinks but how can I attend a wine tasting and not drink?  Clearly I am going to have to skip it.  However, this is going to generate a lot of questions.  I don't care if people here or there ask me why I don't have my usual glass of Pinot Noir at the cocktail reception.  These people are my close friends and colleagues.  Those close enough to me to ask are those close enough for me to say... "I feel like I am happier without drinking.  I decided to stop."  Or, "I have had a lot of fun with drinking but sometimes I get carried away and it just brings me down."  They would get it.  But my absence at the wine tasting will generate a lot of questions even from those who may not know me well.  Perhaps some of the speakers may even ask why I am not attending.  I am not sure if I am ready for that.  I may actually have to make up an excuse.  I really don't want to do that.  I just want to be real and be me.

The difficulty of having to admit that I cannot attend a wine tasting for my own wellbeing is extremely frustrating to me.  So there I sat looking at the brochure.  I decided I can attend the wine tasting.  It probably wouldn't last more than an hour.  Technically it was a wine and cheese tasting.  I could sip each wine that was presented and then after the wine tasting stop drinking for the rest of the night.  Then I would go back to my normal I am not drinking at all self.  I pondered this for a while.  Once I did the wine tasting, we would all go to dinner.  Would I decide to have wine with dinner since I had already done the tasting?  After dinner we would go to a bar or lounge.  Would I keep going?  If I did the wine tasting and didn't continue drinking that night would I be agitated that I had to stop?  Wouldn't that be more agitating than just abstaining in a situation that you would normally be drinking. 

It is funny (or not) how you can wager a lifetime of sobriety on one single wine tasting at a convention because you are worried about how to present this new you to attendees of a convention.  I am going to table my thoughts on this for a while.  I have weeks until this occasion will arise.  For now, I know that I have been grateful every day that I have had nothing to feel bad about.  I also feel like I am giving my emotional self an opportunity to reveal itself more authentically so that I can process anything that I may have ignored in the past.  Nothing too significant has come up yet but I have feeling that this is a process that I need to experience in order to feel whole.  I don't want to compromise being fully present in my life.  I also don't do well with gray areas.  If I decide to do this one thing then will I make up other situations where I make an exception?  My gut tells me that I will stick with my decision to not drink at all... ever.  Does anyone have any experience with the situation I described above regarding being at a work convention where you have had years and years of history drinking with your colleagues?  How did you handle it?  Also, any thoughts on what to do about avoiding the wine tasting?  Clearly this is not something you can attend and just drink water with lemon.  

Two Nuns and a Priest Walk in to a Winery...

Well, the weekend turned out to be wonderful.  I ended up having a fantastic time at the winery and I didn't drink nor did I feel deprived.  The drive is about 90 minutes from my office.  I worked Saturday morning until 12pm then headed to the winery. In order to get there, I had to drive on the interstate.  I get a lot of anxiety on the interstate.  I can't stand the high speeds, the gazillion lanes and the 18 wheelers everywhere.  I have had such bad anxiety attacks on the interstate that I have had to get off and then pull over somewhere to get myself together.  I white knuckled it the whole way there, doing my yoga breathing to try to keep myself from going into a full blown panic attack.  None of this had to do with drinking.  It only had to do with being on the interstate.  I finally got off on my exit and was welcomed with rolling green hills and country roads.  I arrived at the winery and parked.  My friends called and let me know they were running about 45 minutes late.

So here I am at a winery with nothing to do while I wait.  Just then a party bus pulls up and parks.  The doors open and one by one beautiful young preppy gay men start pouring out.  I wonder how many could actually fit on one bus!  I started counting and it seemed like there were over 30.  It was clear that this wasn't their first winery.  They all seemed pretty lit up.  I laughed to myself at how I would normally love to follow their gang up to the tasting area and do a tasting with them just to kill time.  They seemed hilarious and jovial.  Then I started thinking about what a beautiful day it was with the mild breeze and pleasantly warm weather.  I was taking in the gorgeous green hills lined with grape vines, the beautiful garden and the big hill that led down to a creek lined with hammocks.  I thought about how present I was in the moment and whether I would ever prefer to trade that for mindlessly getting drunk wine "tasting."  Not that one tasting would make me drunk, but when you hit wineries all day like those guys were doing, you definitely will end up drunk.  I felt relieved that I wouldn't be feeling bad the next day.  I decided to kill the time by walking around the grounds taking pictures. I really enjoyed doing that.  After that I grabbed my picnic stuff and walked down the hill to snag a great picnic spot by the creek.  Once I put my stuff down, I laid in the hammock and admired the trees branches and leaves above my head and the soft breeze.

While I was in the hammock, I had some interesting people watching.  There was a priest and two nuns picnicking by the creek.  They had driven their car down the grassy hill and parked it by the creek.  They were drinking wine.  There was also a family hanging out, eating, parents drinking wine, and kids playing lawn games in the grass.  They had also driven their car down the hill and parked by the creek.  Finally, there was a group of twentysomethings who were deep into some wine, laughing, smoking cigarettes and basically having a party down picnic.  Their car was also parked by the creek.  So when my friends called and said they had arrived, I told them I snagged a great picnic spot and to go ahead and bring their car down the hill so they wouldn't have to lug their picnic stuff.  There is a point to the parking, I promise, but just hold that thought for a minute. 

One of the young ladies in the party picnic group was wearing her underwear over her jeans.  Probably a dare.. perhaps she his getting married and this is her bachelorette party.  The nuns start walking to their car and the party picnic posse stops them.  They all start talking and laughing and before I know it the lady with the outer underwear is taking pictures with the nuns. The nuns finally leave just as my friends drive down the hill and park. The priest is still down there by his car drinking wine by the creek.

We spread out our yummy assortment of food and begin a nice visit.  I laugh again to myself that my friends aren't even noticing that they haven't gotten any wine yet.  That would have been my first task upon arrival.  They seemed more interested in chit chatting and eating.  Finally, my friend says she is going to walk up the hill and get some wine.  She starts up the hill and turns back to get some bug spray.  Just then a lady comes barrelling down the hill in a golf cart.  She ignores the priest, the family and comes straight over to us.  She says that she is the owner and that we can't have a car parked down here.  Then she asks if we have beer.  No, we didn't.  Then she asks if we are drinking wine from their winery.  Um, my friends were just about to buy some wine from your winery.  My friend says she was just about to go get some.  Then the goes on and on about how cars can't be parked by the creek, you can't bring in your own alcohol, how they are so busy and how they have to pour people wine for tastings... blah blah blah.  She saw that we had a citronella candle and went off about no candles. She went into a long tirade about a nearby state park and how she didn't even know if they allowed citronella candles, how she wasn't sure about that but candles could be a fire hazard.  She kept repeating herself like she was a robot stuck on a circuit.  We just kept saying, okay.  Yes, I understand.  Yes, okay.  Yes, Maam.  Oh okay.  Finally, my friend said, "Okay we are leaving NOW."   She is an acupuncturist and a hypnotherapist and she later told me that she said it like that because she was trying to snap the woman out of it.  It was like she was on some circuit stuck on spewing nervous agitation.  We moved their car back to the parking lot and then sat out in the vineyard and chatted while my friends drank the wine they bought. 

Here is what is funny about this whole incident.  We were doing nothing wrong. We were dressed very nice, quiet, calm and definitely sober.  I completely understand them wanting us to spend money at their winery and how people shouldn't use their grounds for picnicking unless they are spending money.  I am always sensitive to that kind of thing.  I have good etiquette and understand how it is to run a business as well.  I totally get that.  But I don't think whether we were buying wine had anything to do with what was going on with this lady.  I think she was just having some sort of meltdown.  Maybe the gay party bus posse put her over the edge.  I have no idea.  I just enjoyed the fact that I was calm and present and knew that we had done absolutely nothing wrong and I was just witnessing a lady have a meltdown.  Good thing she didn't see the party picnic posse chain smoking, cussing and wearing underwear over their clothes.  I don't know why she chose to take her frustration out on us specifically.  I should have just said, "Do you need a hug?"  Anyway, normal winery me would have already been into several glasses of wine, maybe I would have bummed a cigarette from the party posse (a getting drunk thing that sometimes happens with me) and therefore I would have had a whole other take on this woman.  I would have felt guilty like I did something wrong.  Sober, I was able to see clearly that this wasn't about me, or my friends. Seeing cars parked by the creek was probably the straw that broke the camels back after a long day of dealing with drunk people.
 
After we left the vineyard and walked around a quaint little town, we sat outside at a little cafe and had coffee.  We almost cried laughing so hard about how we could get back at the lady on Trip Advisor.  (We never would do that.)  We laughed at how we could say... Smoker and Motorcyclists' Paradise.  Bring Your Own Beer and ride your dirt back on the hill overlooking the creek.  Bring a cooler and fish by the creek after you do some four wheeling.  Boom Boxes welcome. 

Anyway, the rest of the day was wonderful.  We ended up back at my friends house where we stayed up chit chatting and then we spent the night.  I really noticed how I would have been pushing my drinking agenda normally and how differently the day unfolded for me.  Normally I would have found a way not to drive. Then I would have had wine while waiting for my friends. Probably would have been invited onto the gay party bus while I waited!  Then I would have had wine with the picnic, then wine sitting in the vineyard.  When we went to the cafe, I would have had more wine!  I would have asked that we make some additional stops at some cool places in the town, to check out the cute pub or the beautiful view here or there... so I could have some wine.  Then when we settled back at my friends, I would have popped open a bottle that I would have bought at the winery.  I would have ended up drunk, but probably not sloppy as these friends don't drink much.  Instead, it was awesome to chit chat in my friend's living room and laugh my head off.  I am probably way more witty sober! 

The next morning we all went to a great place for breakfast.  I thoroughly enjoyed my almond milk mocha.  I enjoyed every sip without feeling guilty about the night before, without feeling hungover, without wishing I could still be sleeping.  After breakfast, we parted ways and I walked to the movie theater around the corner and caught a 10:20 am movie.  After that I walked to the reflexology studio and had an hour session.  When I finally left to go home, I couldn't believe how much I had already done on a Sunday morning!  Breakfast with friends, a movie, some pampering... and I still had the whole day ahead!  I felt so grateful and happy for my beautiful, funny, wonderful weekend.      

Third Sober Weekend

Well, this will be my third sober weekend.  In general, I have felt much happier and better about myself.  I feel like I am really honoring my self worth and respecting myself.  I keep thinking about the old saying that your body is your temple.  It makes me feel good that I am treating it as such.  The thought of going home and drinking a bunch of wine doesn't really tempt me.  In fact, like many of the stories I have been reading in Blogville, the desire to get drunk is pretty much gone.  Who wants to be drunk?  I don't think anyone really wants to be drunk.  Who wants to be buzzed?  Me! Me! Me!  Honestly, isn't that why we drink in the first place?  Alcohol is an elixer afterall.  I have to always keep in mind that once I am buzzed, my body goes into turbo drive headed to sloppy drunk.  It is like I always miss the stop to get off the bus at Happy Buzzland and end up in Drunk Disasterland.  All kidding aside, I also feel glad to be fully conscious, aware and present.  Many of the spiritual leaders, self help gurus, and extremely positive people I admire choose to live their lives without alcohol.  On the flip side, I can think of many entrepeneurial leaders that I admire that do drink.  But hey, they probably don't have a problem.  You may see Richard Branson drinking but you don't see him on the news in trouble for doing inappropriate things.  One thing that really made me feel better was finding out a surprising fact about a particular person I admire.  I am friends with this person on Facebook but don't really know him well.  He has written books on hiking, traveling and adventure.  He is also absolutely crazy and hilarious.  He tends to fully immerse himself in the culture of whereever he goes and write about it.  For some reason, I just assumed that he drank.  If you are going to fully immerse yourself in Greek culture, that includes Ouzo right?  Or in Russia, you have to drink vodka with your comrades, right?  Wrong.  I just found out he doesn't drink.  He never did.  He just never liked alcohol and never became a drinker at all.  For some reason that made me happy.  I look at him as such an example of a free spirited adventurer.  He is living life to the fullest without alcohol as a personal preference!  Wow!  Anyway, I guess I have always looked up to those daring spirits that journey this life sober.  I think it is kind of a rebellious thing to do as well as an enlightened thing to do.  So now I am trying it for myself!

Oddly, this weekend I will find myself at a winery.  It is my friends 50th birthday and we are meeting at a winery for a picnic.  There may be some hiking or walking around a nearby town.  I don't feel I will be tempted to drink.  First, I have made a decision.  I don't drink.  So why would I even consider it?  Second, I will be driving.  Third, I want to fully focus on the beauty of the countryside, the nice food, and the fun conversation with friends.  This will be a change from the focus being on the wine... which probably normally leads to a focus on a wine buzz.  If I have to be fully honest, I am very slightly agitated that I can't do a tasting.  I was always big into visiting wineries, doing wine tasting, doing wine pairings, doing chocolate and wine tastings blah blah blah.  I know a lot about wine and took a lot of pleasure in understanding it and enjoying it.  I also love vineyards.  They are beautiful and wine tastings are fun!  I guess letting go of the whole wine tasting experience is a small price to pay for being mentally, physically and spiritually whole.  Tomorrow I will be interested in observing my feelings and emotions about being at a winery as a nondrinker. 

I won't have time to blog again until Sunday or Monday.  I will let you know what the experience was like... That is if anyone is reading this!  Well, if anyone is or isn't, it sure has helped me to write on a regular basis.       

Patience, Presence and Politeness

I have noticed that since I have not been drinking, I have been so much more relaxed.  Since I know I am not going to go home and unwind with a glass (or 5) of wine, I have no reason to be in a hurry.  I remember getting so aggravated when I had to make an extra stop on the way home.  If I had to go to the grocery store or run an errand, it would be such a negative experience simply because it delayed the commencement of my wind down time.  My sober evenings have been filled with reading, maybe a little tv and going to bed at a reasonable hour.  I find it funny that I watched so many hours of tv in the evening when often the end of the show or movie would be a bit patchy for me to remember.  Maybe I just had the tv on while I got good and drunk just so it felt like that wasn't the only thing I was doing.  I also notice how obsessive I would get about things while drinking.  People would often tell me that I would get stuck on one subject, one point and just go on and on about it.  I found that I would do that while drinking alone too.  I might spend forever looking for something, or go on and on commenting on something someone posted on Facebook, writing comments or continuing the joke way past where it needed to go, or even worse write a novel on my Facebook status about some little thing or idea.  I have always been a little obsessive about things.  Since we are on the subject of drinking at home alone, I would like to clear something up.  When I first started this blog, I talked about how I was rarely getting sloppy drunk but when it would happen, I would be devastated.  This is true.  However, I have to be honest with myself and realize that I was drinking at home a couple nights a week and although I didn't get sloppy drunk, it was normal for me to open the wine bottle and throw away the cork as I just knew that whole bottle would be a goner.  I guess I would look at that as blowing off steam.  Since it would be just enough to get me drunk before bed but not enough to make me sloppy, I guess I wasn't considering it a horrible thing. 

Anyhow back to my point.  I have noticed that I am just generally more relaxed without all of the drinking chatter and worry. This has really allowed me to be more patient, present and therefore polite!  I would definitely consider myself an extremely polite person anyway, but sometimes I would have to fake it if someone was going on and on delaying me from leaving work or taking too long to explain something.  Indeed, I have realized that I am a fast paced person and I get aggravated when someone doesn't follow my logic fast enough, make decisions quickly, or give me the meat and potatoes of a problem without peppering it with unnecessary details.  I guess part of that has to do with the fact that I am so intently listening to my clients and am fully focused and present with them so when I am not with clients and in running a business mode, I get overwhelmed with the pure number of things that come into my world in the day.  I am constantly on a countdown where I might only have 8 minutes to address this issue or 7 minutes til this or that.  I think I put a lot of pressure on my staff to communicate and problem solve with me at lightening speed.  Still, I find this highly ironic seeing that it took me twenty years to use my logic to see the extremely obvious fact that drinking was ruining my life, twenty years to decide to stop drinking, and twenty years of babbling to my friends and family the details of my guilt and feelings about drinking.  I have learned to slow down and really try to hear what my employees are saying to me even if they want to give me all of the details including the irrelevant ones.    If we run out of time, we run out of time.  We can resume later.  I am not in this constant panic mode where the clock is counting down.  So patience, presence and politness... I am really enjoying these states of mind and qualities.  I am sure the people around me are enjoying them too!

Looking Back at the Cycle

Today was a really lovely day.  I did yoga, got a massage and caught up on some paperwork.  Today was technically not a day for me to "see clients" but I still went to the office and got a lot done.  When I had enough of wresting with the papers on my desk, I decided to tackle some electronic decluttering.  I went back to my oldest emails that hadn't been deleted and started going through them.  Some are from many years ago.  There are various reasons why they were never deleted.  Some are great recipes that I never put in a safe place other than in my email and others are important attachements that I want handy by searching my inbox.  There are also great links to places I want to travel, projects I want to take on, and assignments from self help things I subscribe to.  Basically, anything that is years old but not deleted is either something I continually go back to or something that is unfinished business that I never took on or completed.  There were a lot of emails in there that are in the area of unfinished business with getting sober or making up my mind to get sober. There were some emails that I came across that were really sad and eye opening.  I have many in there from years ago when I was working with a life coach.  I know why I never deleted them and why I still didn't delete them to this day.  There were there to remind me of how bad it was sometimes. There are several of them that describe in detail the level of shame, regret, fear and depression after a bad incident with drinking.  They are all the same story of being extremely upset after getting unexpectedly sloppy drunk after a night that started out with an anticipation of moderate drinking.  In one email from a few years ago, I wrote about how I could moderate 99 percent of the time but it only takes that horrible thing that occurs in the 1 percent of the time that could kill me or ruin my life.  I talked about wanting to stop drinking altogether because I was so incredibly scared of what could happen if I didn't.  Of course then in later emails I would talk about feeling empowered and making healthy choices.  This has been a cycle that has been going on since my college days 20 years ago.  As my mind gets clearer and clearer, so many memories of bad times drinking are coming up.  Looking back at them now, it is unbelievable to me that I didn't stop sooner.  Still, I know why I didn't.  I am so incredibly stubborn and tenacious.  I was bound and determined to prove to myself that I could fix myself so that I was able to moderate my drinking.  I understand that I had to come to the conclusion in my own time about being so much better off and happier without alcohol in my life.  Still, it is so incredibly sad to me to read my words of desperation and sadness and see that I felt the exact same way so many times again and again in the past yet I was not ready to do what needed to be done to move forward in life.  It seems like so much wasted time and so much unnecessary sadness.  It is also sad for me to read the emails during times of doing well with moderation.  I sound so confident and happy.  I sound certain that I have found the way to live a fulfilled life.  As I was reading the words, it made me feel so sorry for that woman, that girl, who is oblivious to the fact that something horrible will happen again, and again, and again.  I want to reach into the computer and tell her, "You have no idea how many times you will lose complete control and injure and humiliate yourself. You will try your friends patience.  You will spend many mornings so depressed that you don't know if can face the world again because you feel like such a failure in letting the drunkedness come again.  Just stop.  Stop right now.  All of this effort in moderating is misdirected.  Put the alcohol down and put the effort into building an authentic life free from obsessing about moderating your alcohol.  You can stop worrying and trying so hard to have the life that you want if you just make a decision to give up the alcohol."  It is too bad that I had to go through that cycle so many times before I could have clarity on making a firm decision.  I guess I have to know that all of the repeated cycles served a purpose if only to take me to the point of finally being ready.  As they say, when you need to learn a lesson in life or make a change, the situation will present itself over and over and over and over again.  It will present itself as long as it needs to present itself until you see what you need to see and do what you need to do.  Deep down I know, everything is unfolding exactly as it should. 

Trying to find the Sober Default Setting

Well, the weekend is over and I am heading home from visiting with family for my nephew's travel soccer tournament.  After a little over two weeks sober, I am still observing my feelings and navigating through this new path.  This morning I am feeling grateful for sticking with my plan of not drinking and having nothing to feel guilty about.  The only negative feeling I can still detect is a sense of defeat.  I am still irritated that I cannot be a normal drinker.  At this point it isn't even about having the actual drink.  It is just agitating that I have any lack of freedom even if I have placed that restriction on myself.  I have never liked authority, rules or being told what to do and I think this little bit of agitation is stemming from that place.  My intuition tells me to just observe these feelings and don't act on them or dwell on them. 

It seems that all weekend long, alcohol was there to remind me that I can't have it anymore.  We even went to see a movie and this particular movie theater served wine. The ladies in front of us were sipping wine while watching the movie.  I really didn't want any wine while I watched my movie but it was just funny that it was there, right in front of me in an unexpected place.  Everywhere we went to dinner or lunch, people were drinking.  I never have paid attention to who is drinking and what they are drinking.  Now I find myself taking in every detail.  I notice the twenty something young lady having a martini at dinner with her parents.  I notice the couple with the bottle of wine they are sharing with dinner.  I notice the couple with water on the table and no alcohol.  All of the sudden I like them more. 

As my head clears more and more, I find it peculiar that I have found it acceptable to drink at the level that I did.  I am the person that will avoid medication unless it is life or death.  I don't even take the occassional advil or tylenol.  I have never understood why people pop pills for this or that.  I never understood how people could be so disconnected with their bodies, drugging themselves for every little ill.  I even hate the state of Western Medicine which seems to be based on getting every American on as many prescripton pills as possible to "manage" their condition so that the pharmaceutical companies get rich while the person never takes responsibility for their health and recovers.  How ironic that I have been willing to soak every cell in my body with a high percentage of alcohol on a regular basis.  The truth is that being sober is much more congruent with who I am and what I stand for.  Now I just have to get the rebel in me to calm down and accept that I have decided not to drink and that it isn't about me losing freedom, being told what to do or having to follow rules.  I am simply taking a step that puts me in greater alignment with my truest self.  This should feel like empowerment, not like I have put a punishment on myself.  I trust that this will get better. 

Another Hotel

Well, here I am in another hotel.  That makes three weekends in a row.  This time I got away for the Labor Day weekend to meet up with my sister, her husband and my nephew for my nephew's travel soccer tournament.  My parents came as well and we all drove together.  We are staying at a historic hotel. Tonight everyone is kind of hanging in their rooms and going to bed early as we have to be at the field tomorrow at 8 am.  Tonight was a little challenging.  Again, sometimes the ego can get in the way.  When we arrived we hung out for a short time in my sister's room just to visit briefly now that we are all here.  When we were all saying goodbye for the night, my sister offered my dad some wine to take to his room.  I felt a little offended that she didn't ask me if I wanted wine to take to my room.  I had this thought even though I already told her that I have stopped drinking and I have shared the reasons why.  My ego still wants to believe that everyone still sees me as a normal drinker who can choose to drink at any time and it isn't a big deal.  Ironically, just as I as pondering my reaction, my sister then asked me if I wanted some wine.  I laughed and said no.  Then she said, "Oh yeah.  Sorry, I forgot."  Then I was offended that she forgot that I made such an important life changing decision.  It is actually really funny.  It all just goes to show that this decision really is for me and only for me.  It is all about me feeling mentally and emotionally healthy, not what people think about my drinking or whether they are paying attention to my sober journey.  Otherwise I am basing everything on anything but what is going on inside of me.  It is ridiculous to think that since my sister offered me wine, then I must be a normal drinker.  That couldn't be further from the truth.  Or if my sister forgot that I stopped drinking, the reasons why I stopped must not be that big of a deal.  That also coldn't be further from the truth.

After I left my sister's room, I went back to mine.  Just a few minutes earlier, I had glanced out of my sister's hotel window and noticed the cute little garden with cocktail tables and candles outside by the pool.  I commented how cute it looked down there.  I have my normal routine and habits that I associate with relaxing in a hotel.  I would normally get settled, then go down to the bar and have a drink while I read my email or am on the internet.  Or, I would go down to the bar and get a glass of wine and bring it up to my room while I putter around or watch a movie.  In this case, I would have loved to sit by the pool and have a glass of wine and read.  Of course when I went to my room, my key wouldn't work.  I had to go back downstairs to get my key re-magnatized.  I decided to walk around this beautiful historic hotel.  I checked out the little garden cocktail area and walked over to the restaurant/bar to check out my normal place that I would have some wine.  I felt a little guilty exploring.  I knew I wouldn't drink but I just wanted to see what I was missing.  I wondered if  I would run into one of my family members and if they would think I was sneaking around to get a glass of wine.

I came back up to my room and took a nice hot bath.  This is a really nice place. I am feeling relaxed now and laughing at the irony of being sad that I can't waste my time in the bar when really this luxurious tub and beautiful room wouldn't have even been appreciated if I were drinking in the bar.  As far as the little cocktail garden by the pool, there is nothing stopping me from reading by the pool with a cranberry and soda.  I think I only want to do that because I am romanticizing the wine by the pool image.  Honestly, I am perfectly comfy in my pjs in my room.  The only thing that upset me this evening was all about my ego and wanting to be looked at as "normal."  I am feeling better than normal right now as I am all cozied up in my fancy hotel room.   

Why?

Over the past few days, I have had my head buried in various sobriety blogs.  It has helped immensely in that I can relate to what so many people are saying and experiencing.  However, it has also made me feel a little frazzled.  When I made my mind up that I was done with alcohol, there was a sense of peace and relief.  I knew it would get hard at times to never ever drink again.  Now that the stress of work is hitting me, my mind is playing tricks on me.  I have read some personal stories that talk about how AA ruined their life and made them feel depressed and powerless.  I have read stories by some who realized that they abused alcohol during tough times in their life but they realized they were not an alcoholic and were able to drink occassionally.  I have read stories of people who still don't know if they are alcoholic, still don't know the best recovery plan, but are just simply enjoying being present and sober in life.  When I read these stories I start looking at all of the angles and it becomes overwhelming.  Am I handling this the right way?  Do I really have to stay sober?  If yes, do I need support or can I do this on my own?  Again, I just have to quiet myself and go back to the clearest truth that I can see, hear and feel within myself.  It is saying, "Your life will be better without alcohol.  You will be happier without alcohol.  Waking up feeling embarrassment, shame and regret is not the experience that you want to have in life.  If you give up alcohol for good, you can have the life you truly desire."  Hmmm... That last line might be part of the problem. 

I have spent most of my life not feeling worthy of the life I truly desire.  I have often wondered why I have overindulged during my entire relationship with alcohol.  I have very loving and easy going parents.  I did not experience difficulty growing up in terms of performance in school, popularity, weight or health issues or even what my parents were able to afford for us to eat, wear and do.  To my knowledge, I was not abused as a child in any way.  In spite of all of this, I always felt like I had some kind of shameful flaw.  When I got older I kind of looked at it like the tragic hero in Greek mythology.  The tragic hero had all of the tools and circumstances to have a great life experience except that the tragic hero had a tragic flaw.  This flaw would cause great suffering and well of course, tragedy.  The sad thing is that the tragic hero is never aware of this flaw so he is unable to fix it.  I can relate to this.  As a child I always felt confident, intelligent, attractive and well liked.  In some ways I felt that I could do anything yet deep down I had a little sinking feeling that something wasn't quite right with me; that somehow I might waste my opportunities or not live up to my potential.

I have been able to understand two factors that may have contributed to this feeling.  First, my sister and my dad are very alike.  They both are extremely responsible, meticulous, organized and routine oriented.  I am and alway was a free spirit with an extreme desire to explore and pursue my curiosity with just about everything.  I believe my dad was always trying to get my to slow down, to calm down, to see that life is not "one big party."  I can't even count how many times he said that to me. I always felt like he wanted me to be like my sister, who was well balanced, studious and responsible.  But the thing is that I wasn't always pursuing a party.  I wanted to be a foreign exchange student, go on road trips, join the Peace Corps.  In high school I was barely ever home but that wasn't always because I was "partying."  I was in plays, on the dance squad, building the homecoming float... I was just always out and about.  I graduated 3rd in my class with  4.35 GPA and yet I had this feeling that I couldn't be successful because there was something wrong with me.  I knew my dad wanted me to be more "normal" but I didn't know how to be that way!  Normal life just seemed so very boring.  It still does.  As I have gotten older, my dad has come to understand me and has accepted my sense of adventure and my being constantly on the go.  He has even joined me on some of my adventures. We both appreciate photography and he has gone along on some photography trips to some pretty remote places.  Even though I think that at this point he actually admires the very same things that he wanted to change about me in my youth, I still think that our differences really affected my sense of self worth.

The second factor that I think contributed to me feeling like there was something wrong with me is that my sister was extremely critical of me.  As I grew up, I learned that I could only share the things about me that were perfect.  If I had good news, good grades, a good deed, I could share it.  If I made a mistake or had a problem, I was going to be put on trial and made to feel like a horrible person.  This harsh judement really made me afraid of showing my imperfections.  The only thing I ever wanted from my sister was unconditional love and the more she didn't give it, the more I tried to prove that I was worthy of it by sharing my good side and putting an ironclad lock on all of my vulnerabilities.  I remember times that I shared things with my sister and she would say things like, "That is disgusting." "You are a selfish person."  "I don't want to hear anymore because this is just awful."  "You don't care about mom and dad." "You are a doormat."  These were reactions to things like having people over to my parents in high school when they were out of town or me talking about the way I guy treated me badly.  One time while home from college, I had a really really horrible thing happen during a night out with friends, I guess you could call it date rape. I was so upset that I must have showered three times and then just wanted to stay in my room all day.  I cancelled going to a car show with my dad.  I remember my sister yelling at me telling me how selfish I am and how I probably really disappointed and hurt my dad by being too hungover to spend the day with him.  That was one of the lowest points of my life. I felt horrible and I knew my sister thought I was just the worst person ever.  However, I didn't have the courage to tell her what happened as I thought she would probably think it was my fault for being out partying in the first place.  Wreckless me.  I really believe that this played out in romantic relationships too.  The worse a guy treated me, the more I would work to prove that I was lovable.  At the same time, if I guy really treated me well and expressed that he cared for me deeply, I would run the other way.  I didn't feel worthy and I was also convinced that he would soon find out that I am not perfect.  The idea of having two sides, the one presented to people who might judge you, and the one you hold in your heart, became very normal for me.  Of course I did confide in certain friends and even my parents about certain things, but I also knew how to slip into that way of not showing anyone your vulnerabilities.  I always believed that I would get myself all of fixed up and perfected, and THEN I would be ready for a relationship.  Until then, I would just pick people who were either extremely flawed so they wouldn't judge me or people who just didn't care about me.  The relationship with my sister has gotten much better in adulthood.  I have been able to share more and more with her and she has become a very supportive person in my life.  I was even able to share my decision to stop drinking and the reasons why and I was met with nothing but support. 

Still, these two relationships in my life really had an impact on my sense of worth.  It was never intentional. It just is what it is.  I wonder if any of this has to do with my relationship with alcohol or if it was simply biochemical.  To some degree I think it might have played a role in my drinking.  I may have had a little bit of a feeling like I had a flaw that was never going to be fixed so I may as well just do whatever.  You start telling yourself stories in your head that affect your self identity.  I am a wreckless person.  I am a flawed person.  I am a irresponsible person.  I am a selfish person.  Then you do things that confirm that.  This makes you feel worse about yourself and then it goes on and on.  I am not sure that I will ever figure out why I am the way I am.  I love my family very much and understand that family dynamics play a huge role in things.  In many ways I have been a selfish person and I am sure I have hurt and stressed my family in the past. I am grateful that my family relationships are pretty healthy right now... they have been for years now.  Still, it makes me sad that there are aspects of my life that have suffered due to the stories I told myself about my identity.  All I can do now is stay present and try to be the best person I can be everyday, even if that person is not perfect. 

Back to Reality

Today was my first day back to work after returning from a mountain get away.  It is hard to believe that just yesterday I was hiking on the Appalachian Trail and today and I am back to reality.  Today couldn't be a more challenging day.  I knew that there would be some stressful times where the idea of not being able to unwind with a glass (or four) of wine would be rough. I had just said to my friend on the car ride back that I knew there would be a time where it would be tough to stay sober due to stress. 

During my work day today I actually had the thought that maybe it is better for me to drink.  I thought to myself that there is no way I can keep up the level of intensity of my work and have no outlet or escape. Perhaps my drinking will interfere with my wellness but allow me to contribute more to the world.  Crazy thinking, I know.  But I wondered "How can I keep up this level of giving to others if I can't blow off my steam... ever!"   First, I am a business owner.  There is a certain level of constant stress around managing finances, staff and generally running a business.  This is just normal stress, like the normal background stress or the default setting.  One example would be that one of my staff accidentally mailed off a large envelope I had set aside with no postage. It was set aside with no postage because I had no intention of mailing it until after payroll.  It was a huge tax check.  My staff member thought she was being helpful by putting postage on it and sent it.  Of course all of the sudden I had to flip flop around to cover payroll because now I was having thousands of dollars coming out of my account right in the middle of my payroll!  I wasn't at all mad at her.  It was an honest mistake and perhaps my fault for even having something like that laying around the office.  My staff can be very efficient so I shouldn't have assumed no one would touch it or mail it.  However, if any little thing like that happens, I have to fix it as I am responsible for everything including making sure my employees get paid even though thousands of dollars is unexpectedly coming out of my business account due to that tax check clearing.  Everyday I have multiple employees coming to me with needs and issues simply because I am the business owner.  It isn't necessarily a problem, although it sometimes is, but it just comes with the territory of owning a business.  As my business has grown, the more staff I have, the more people who have needs that I need to meet.  Second, the type of business that I am in requires me to have an intense interaction with people other than my staff.  I am a professional and prefer anonymity but I guess you could liken it to a dentist who is having to be up close with people all day long, having to help them with pain and staying well, and having to be very present and compassionate.  It is intense and I make an effort to be both present and compassionate and to always come from a place of unconditional love for humanity.  But let me tell you, at the end of the day I am physically and emotionally exhausted.  After work, I don't want to talk on the phone, listen to others, talk to others or even answer a text.  I am done.  This is on a normal day...  Turn the dial up on any given day and it is enough to put you over the edge.  I guess everyone deals with stress.  My goodness the whole world is stressed out.  Why should I feel that my life is any different or any more stressful. 

Just writing this blog has made me feel a lot better.  I have no idea if anyone is even reading this.  Whether I am writing to noone or writing to someone, staying at the office and writing before leaving and going home to where I might normally destress with wine and TV has helped immensely.  I believe the lesson is that I have to quiet myself before I act.  The thought of going home and taking a long hot shower, relaxing with a book or a TV show, and going to bed sounds doable now.  One hour ago, it seemed more like punishment when what I really wanted was to rid myself of all of the stuff I had absorbed from others all day by soaking in wine.  At this point, I feel that I can go home and relax.  Still, I will  have to get up early and put out some fires in the morning that are still burning due to my absence from my business.  I learned a long time ago that if I don't travel, I will burn out in my business but the trade off is when you come back, your business is needier than ever for a few days.  Having your own business is like an infant that never grows up.  It is always hungry and it always needs you.  I am used to giving all I have to my business and then escaping with wine when needed.  Oh shit.  How am I going to do this forever?  Well, I guess I will have to find a way.

Sober Vacation

Being on vacation sober has been an amazing experience.  The two main things that are both extremely obvious to me and extremely different are the positive experience in the morning and the lack of guilt.

I have been the first one up every morning.  I have spent my mornings enjoying coffee while I look at the beautiful view.  If I had to choose between relaxing on a deck in the morning, enjoying the peace while eager for the excitement of the day or relaxing on the deck in the evening with a glass of wine while knowing I might get too rocked and ruin my next morning, I would choose the coffee.  Oh wait.  I DID have to choose.  That was is why I am blogging!

I can't remember a vacation with friends being so fulfilling.  Sure, I have been on some photography workshop/vacations where all we did is hike and photograph things.  On those trips, I had wine with dinner but never let it get out of hand because the photography was more important than drinking in the evening.  Besides, I would be so physically exhausted by dinner on those trips that I had little energy to do anything after dinner.  I have also been on some hiking trip/vacations where we were backpacking and alcohol just wasn't going to be in the picture.

This trip is different though.  If I wanted to overindulge I could.  Earlier in this blog, I said this is the type of trip where everything would be fine.  I said it would be fine because my friend and I love exploring nature and that would be our first priority.  I also said that my friend doesn't drink too much.  It is funny how on this trip sober, I am seeing all of the ways in which I probably would have been drinking.  Even though I might not have gotten falling down drunk, I probably would have drank enough to feel it in the mornings.

Two days ago, after a day of hiking and exploring, we stopped to eat dinner at a locals restaurant/bar that was recommended to us.  Here is where I would have rewarded myself with a drink after a hike.  Next, we went to this hotel/restaurant/bar where there was a blues band playing outside on the deck. This is where the I would have drank wine.  After the band stopped, we moved into the lounge.  It was a hip dark place with a cozy, relaxing vibe.  I probably would have continued here.  In the end, I would have been drunk.  Again, very unlikely to be sloppy drunk with this friend, but probably drunk.   Even though I was observing and thinking about what my drinking would have been like, there is good news.  I really didn't mind not drinking.  I got over the post hike drink reward thought and focused on the post hike sit down and relax to eat thought.  When we went to see the band, I really enjoyed the music and the beautiful outside setting.  When we went to the lounge, I focused on conversation and people watching.  When we got back to the vacation place, I was just simply grateful for what a beautiful day I had.  It was wonderful to know that I was fully present and engaged each moment of the day.  It was wonderful not to have all of the paranoid thoughts after drinking about what people thought, whether I was visibly drunk, whether my friends thought I overdid it, whether I wasn't cheery enough in the morning, whether I kept my friends out too late because I wanted to have just one more.  None of that.  The lack of THAT puts a spring in my step and a greater sense of worth in my heart.

Soberiety Versus the Ego

Last evening the sun was setting on the lake in the mountains.  It would be the normal time to enjoy I nice glass of wine and read or talk.  My ego said, "You know if you had a glass of wine and watched this sunset, nothing would happen.  Why do you have to give that up forever?"  My ego was quite offended by the possibility that I cannot do whatever I want. Well, maybe not WHATEVER I want, but at least what most others can do, or even what I used to do.  Honestly, last night if I had a glass of wine and watched the sunset, probably nothing would have happened.  In the days before last week, if the same situation happened again, I would have that glass of wine, and probably one or two more, then stopped.  The only reason I would have stopped is because I would have been so set on not ruining my morning hike and because I am with a friend who is a one or two drink kind of gal.  It isn't about that.  It is about what happens sometimes in other situations when there are many drinks, leading to personality changes, leading to sloppiness, leading to falling down.  Put me in this same situation with a bunch of partying friends and no plans for hiking the next day and I would have been sloppy drunk by bedtime.  They would have just been doing the normal drinking, talking, laughing, maybe overdoing it some, but nothing for them to be embarrassed about the next day.  It is this that I have to remember. 

It might be time for a drunk story just so I can squish the ego a bit.  A few years ago, I took my friend out to dinner for her birthday.  I was driving her so I didn't drink.  Normally we might take a cab, go out in a city and get a hotel, or do something where no one had to drive.  This was kind of a last minute idea and I was on a "I am really not drinking too much" kick.  We had a great time at dinner.  After dinner, we went back to her house and hung out on her porch.  I had some wine as we talked, knowing that I would just crash at her place and not drive.  We were both pretty buzzed when we decided to go hang out at another friend's house who lived next door.  I had probably drank about a bottle of red wine at this point all by myself.  I know this because she was drinking mixed drinks, not wine and I remember opening the wine bottle and then it being done.  Once we got to the friend's house, I began downing beers pretty quickly.  It wasn't as if I was grabbing them and chugging them but I was going through them way faster than anyone else.  This an incident of the unpredictable flipping of the switch.  If I had to guess, I was probably drinking fast starting with the wine on the porch just because I wanted to catch up, to catch a buzz, to be equal in giddiness and relaxation with my friend who had drinks at dinner.  As I drank the beers quickly, I started to get pretty drunk. More drunk than just the normal drunk from the wine.  I remember starting to talk too much about things; going on and on as I typically do when I get this way. I went to the bathroom and as I stepped up the step from the sunken living room, I just fell straight backwards.  I believe my butt hit first, then the back of my head.  I was unconscious for a few seconds.  When I came too, I was totally confused.  I remembered who I was and who some of my friends were but I couldn't remember anything else, not even the President of the United States.  Of course my friends made sure I went right to the hospital by calling an ambulance.  Because I am stubborn and pushy when drunk, I wouldn't allow the ambulance to take me even though I clearly had amnesia.  Thankfully, everyone finally convinced me and I went to the hospital.  It turns out that I was okay, just a concussion.  However, my blood alcohol was .27.  Once I knew I wasn't having bleeding in my brain and that I would be okay, I took the IV out of my arm myself and called a cab to take me and my friend who came with me in the ambulance home.  (I did call the hospital later and give them all of my insurance information.)  I would normally never do such a rude thing after people just took care of me!  This was probably one of the very worst things that happened with drinking.  I was depressed for weeks and scared out of my mind.  The next day I drove straight to my parents and told them everything.  I vowed to never drink again.  Then a few weeks later, I felt happy, healthy and strong.  I was ready to have fun again.  Just not too much fun.  I stayed in the sweet zone of drinking moderately for many many months.  Maybe even a year.  Until the next sloppy incident.

Morning Instead of Mourning

This morning feels much better.  I guess mornings are filled with more gratitude than worry.  Unless, of course, drinking is involved.  Then mornings could be filled with just about anything.  One good thing is that I can look forward to my mornings being filled with gratitude much more consistently now.  I know life isn't always all roses even sober but I really am feeling lighter without the weight of worry about all of the bad things that could and would happen around drinking.

I can feel the depression lifting even more.  Just one week ago today, I awoke in my hotel room mortified.  This morning I awake, yet again, in a hotel room.  But this time hiking, nature and friendship awaits the day.  Instead of worrying if my friendship would be intact after my stupid, sloppy, and selfish behavior, I know just where I stand and who I am today.  That sure does make me have a lot more to offer those around me.

I do still have a little sinking feeling in my heart.  It hurts that others have had to deal with me, worry about me, put up with me, look out for me.  My genuine heart and soul is extremely giving, compassionate, mindful and playful.  I guess that is why I still have the people I love in my life.  Even so, it feels a little like I was flirting dangerously at the edge.  I wonder if maybe some of those relationships were hanging by a thread.  Perhaps.  I will never know.

Mourning the Loss

Throughout the day today, I felt a tremendous sadness creeping through me.  I am not used to giving up.  I know it doesn't make sense because being sober for good will be a challenge.  However, I talked earlier about wanting to get through that threshold of problem drinker to normal drinker.  I feel like a failure.  Deep in my heart I know that not drinking is the best thing I could do for myself.  At the same time, all of the hardships with drinking seem like they were for nothing since in the end I was never able to achieve the goal of having the self discipline and self love to not overindulge.  I know, I know.  The reason people like me stop drinking is that the guarantee of never getting sloppy drunk is never going to be there.  Still, I feel like I am walking away from a great battle and I have been defeated.  I wanted to be stronger.  I wanted to be the conqueror not the conquered.  For some reason it is hitting me so strangely.  If I was never going to be able to be "normal" than what was I fighting for all of those years?  Suddenly the whole journey around drinking seems like a big waste.  Now I only wish that I had stopped sooner.  All of the transitions from wreckless party girl, to grown professional who still overdoes it on the weekends, to more mature professional that rarely drinks but sometimes experiences a "flipping of the switch" a few times a year... that all took a LOT of work.  Now it all seems like wasted energy.  Deep in the quietest places in my heart, I know the truth.  The truest, purest and all loving being who resides in there whispers to me, "My dear, you wouldn't have been ready to stop until you had gone through all of that.  Everything is unfolding as it should. Just have compassion for yourself and trust."

One Week Sober

As of this morning I am one week sober.  Technically, I say six days because the morning after a really bad night begins with awakening in a stupor.  There is the initial feeling of being mortified followed by a bit of indifference simply due to the mild buzz of alcohol still present in the system.  This fades into depression and regret.  During those times, I could still sense the alcohol in my breath, in my body.  I would always wish that I could speed up my biochemistry so that I could metabolize it out faster and begin the cycle of healing.  Those mornings I knew that eventually things would be okay but that I would be guaranteed at least a week of depression.  Sometimes I would reach out to friends, or even my parents, but I would still need to put on my happy face at work that week.

Today after work I will be leaving town with a friend for a hiking trip in the mountains this weekend.  I had been looking forward to this trip for months.  I still am.  You see this would be one of those weekends that cultivated the false sense of confidence.  It would have been filled with hiking, rest and maybe relaxing by the hotel pool.  There would have been wine involved, for sure.  However, it would have been a couple of glasses with dinner, or maybe by the pool.  This is a friend who is fully invested in rest, relaxation, nature and long philosophical conversations.  I love all of those things too which is why we connect as friends.  When we first became pretty close friends and began to travel together, I learned from her to slow down, to take a nap on vacation if you so please, go to bed early and enjoy morning coffee with a beautiful view.  This was all new to me because when traveling with other friends there would be sightseeing, hiking or spa time during the day then we would move right into happy hour, dinner and bars.  This is not to say that all of my other friends have drinking problems.  Some of them were just enjoying a girls weekend away from work stress, kids or normal life.  Some would drink too much, some wouldn't.  For me, again, it was always a 50/50 chance that I would end up sloppy drunk. 

Anyhow, back to the cultivation of a false sense of confidence.  Here would be the normal pattern.  I would tell this close friend about how bad a screwed up this past weekend.  She would listen and encourage me.  I would tell her how relieved I was that I knew nothing bad would happen this weekend with drinking because we don't really do much of that when we travel together.  I would go this weekend and have a bit of wine but generally have a weekend that was focused on many other things besides drinking.  I would come back feeling a little healed from my really bad drinking incident last week.  I would convince myself it was a fluke.  That it was just because I didn't eat enough that night. I would convince myself that I just have to work harder on myself.  That if I could be the best version of me, if I could tune into my higher self all of the time, everything would be just fine.  Then within weeks or months there would be an event, an occasion usually something that lasted a long time like an all day cookout and evening party or a big girls night or a weekend trip to visit wineries and stay at a cabin.  Then somehow, someway, I wake up mortified wondering how this happened again when I was only going to have a few glasses of wine.

This time is different.  I called my friend and told her that I have stopped drinking and that I would not be drinking any wine this weekend.  She was very supportive as always.  I have found that most of my close friends have just sort of allowed me to navigate through this myself and come to my own decisions.  Some who witnessed the bad nights worried.  Some never even saw me drink too much but took my word for it when I told them I struggled.  Most have heard me toy with the idea of stopping.  The difference this time is that I am not toying with any ideas.  I understand that sobriety is required for me to be whole and free from a future of worry, regret, and even injury.

The Motivating Factor

What finally gave me the clarity that drinking should never be in my future again?  Last weekend I was in a city where a friend lived for a weekend class.  I asked the friend to meet me for dinner and drinks and told her that she could just stay at my hotel so she wouldn't have to drive home.  I honestly couldn't wait to catch up with her.  My focus was purely on spending time with an old friend.  I had no intention of  "partying it up." I went to dinner and had a few drinks.  I have been gluten free for a while and the menu wasn't exactly gluten friendly.  My first mistake was that I only ate a small salad.  I felt the drinks hitting me hard.  After dinner we transitioned to a cozy pub for a drink.  

Here is where the "universe could unfold" in one of two ways.  I could simply stop drinking after the first drink at the pub knowing I was already drunk from the dinner drinks, go back to my hotel and go to bed.  My friend would have been completely fine with that.  The other scenario is not so simple and it is definitely not pretty.  As the drinks began to hit me hard, I drank faster and began to monopolize the conversation.  My personality became pushy and domineering as it always does when this happens.  Two guys came over and bought us shots.  I drank the shots.  In my "having a normal drinking night" times, I always refuse shots as I know I am already at risk to overdo it simply because I am drinking at all.  But this time the offer for shots came too late.  My switch had already flipped. I became sloppy to the point of falling down a couple of times in the bar.  The bartender called a cab for us and we made it back to the hotel where I proceeded to fall into the hotel furniture before making it to bed.

It seems pretty clear that if this is a typical scenario, a person like me would have stopped drinking a long time ago.  Unfortunately and I suppose fortunately, that was not always my typical scenario.  For me drinking was always unpredictable.  I could go out and have a couple glasses of wine and stop.  I could go for days, sometimes weeks without even thinking about alcohol.  However, sometimes when I would drink, a flip would switch and I would just end up drinking to the point of complete sloppiness.  I didn't have the pass out button.  That would have been better.  My body would just stay awake and conscious but I would stumble and slur.  If I had more than 3 drinks, there was a 50/50 chance as to whether I would have a normal night or I was getting onto a nonstop flight with only one destination... absolute sloppy drunk. 

I have plenty of time to blog and get into the history of things but my point here is that I have done a lot of work on myself so that I make choices that reflect self love and self respect but there was still a severe danger lurking.  Recently, I was rarely going out anymore and rarely even drinking.  My life was filling up with hiking, travel and adventure.  That is because that is the life I truly wanted and was transitioning into anyway.  I tired of the bar scene long ago.  However, if a couple of times a year I am going to get falling down drunk unexpectedly,  things have to change.  I could keep trying to ensure that I ate a big meal, stayed hydrated, and made sure I wasn't drinking to blow off steam.  I could have examined every other risk factor for ending up overdoing it and minimized it.  The truth is that no one is perfect 100 percent of the time and there will be a time where I didn't eat enough, was drinking after a stressful week or whatever it is.  When that time comes I will get falling down drunk.  The only way I can ensure that this never happens again is to never drink again.  I will say it again, what a relief!  So, did the universe unfold as it should have?  I say yes because I was operating under a false sense of confidence and the universe gave me a big reality check.  Because I was not drinking often, because I would just drive to meet friends for dinner so therefore would either not drink at all or only have one drink, because I was with friends on vacation who liked adventure over drinking, because I have been on a health kick... because because because... these bad times weren't happening.  But guess what, they still COULD happen all along.  And it did happen... again.  Though the days of waking up mortified or even worse, injured, have been few and far between in the past couple of years, I couldn't take even one more time feeling like that.  It puts me into a severe depression that basically erases any positive mental or spiritual work I have done on myself for a good while.  So I am done.  I am grateful for last weekend.  It finally gave me the courage to put the alcohol down and take my first step toward the threshold of being whole. 

Grateful for Clarity

One of my favorite lines from one of my favorite "mindless make you laugh" movies is when Harold from Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle says, "The universe tends to unfold as it should."  For some reason that line of thought has always given me great comfort.  I have long subscribed to the belief that as we journey through life there is a purpose to every experience we have regardless of whether it was positve or negative, welcomed or unwelcomed.  After the dust settled and the fog lifted from particularly painful experiences in life, I would often be grateful for the clarity and wisdom I gained from the situation.  I could view it like the hero's journey where we go through thresholds in life that reveal spiritual truths only after getting past the gatekeeper who is often a teacher, a challenge, or a painful experience that leads to transformation. I have grown along this journey in life immensely.  However, there is one place the growth has been stunted.

For many years I have had the same challenge presented to me over and over again and although I may have gained wisdom and clarity in the battle, I just couldn't cross a very important threshold.  That threshold is feeling whole.  I didn't understand it then but that includes sobriety.  I have long tried to walk through the threshold of problem drinker to normal drinker but I just can't get through.  I read a book once that talked about carrying things that no longer serve you.  It talked about how you might be carrying so many grocery bags up to your front door that you physically cannot open the door and go inside.  You have to put something down in order to enter.  Well, I am finally realizing that I cannot pass through this particular threshold until I put the drinking down.  For good.

I have finally gained the clarity that this is required to have the life that I desire.  What a relief.  I have made this decision with great certainty and confidence.  My biggest fear is that as I start to feel happier and more fulfilled in sobriety, I will begin to forget the depression and regret associated with my drinking.  For this reason, I have decided to blog.

I am hoping that by blogging, I will gain even greater clarity and help others along the way.