Mourning the Loss

Throughout the day today, I felt a tremendous sadness creeping through me.  I am not used to giving up.  I know it doesn't make sense because being sober for good will be a challenge.  However, I talked earlier about wanting to get through that threshold of problem drinker to normal drinker.  I feel like a failure.  Deep in my heart I know that not drinking is the best thing I could do for myself.  At the same time, all of the hardships with drinking seem like they were for nothing since in the end I was never able to achieve the goal of having the self discipline and self love to not overindulge.  I know, I know.  The reason people like me stop drinking is that the guarantee of never getting sloppy drunk is never going to be there.  Still, I feel like I am walking away from a great battle and I have been defeated.  I wanted to be stronger.  I wanted to be the conqueror not the conquered.  For some reason it is hitting me so strangely.  If I was never going to be able to be "normal" than what was I fighting for all of those years?  Suddenly the whole journey around drinking seems like a big waste.  Now I only wish that I had stopped sooner.  All of the transitions from wreckless party girl, to grown professional who still overdoes it on the weekends, to more mature professional that rarely drinks but sometimes experiences a "flipping of the switch" a few times a year... that all took a LOT of work.  Now it all seems like wasted energy.  Deep in the quietest places in my heart, I know the truth.  The truest, purest and all loving being who resides in there whispers to me, "My dear, you wouldn't have been ready to stop until you had gone through all of that.  Everything is unfolding as it should. Just have compassion for yourself and trust."