Why?

Over the past few days, I have had my head buried in various sobriety blogs.  It has helped immensely in that I can relate to what so many people are saying and experiencing.  However, it has also made me feel a little frazzled.  When I made my mind up that I was done with alcohol, there was a sense of peace and relief.  I knew it would get hard at times to never ever drink again.  Now that the stress of work is hitting me, my mind is playing tricks on me.  I have read some personal stories that talk about how AA ruined their life and made them feel depressed and powerless.  I have read stories by some who realized that they abused alcohol during tough times in their life but they realized they were not an alcoholic and were able to drink occassionally.  I have read stories of people who still don't know if they are alcoholic, still don't know the best recovery plan, but are just simply enjoying being present and sober in life.  When I read these stories I start looking at all of the angles and it becomes overwhelming.  Am I handling this the right way?  Do I really have to stay sober?  If yes, do I need support or can I do this on my own?  Again, I just have to quiet myself and go back to the clearest truth that I can see, hear and feel within myself.  It is saying, "Your life will be better without alcohol.  You will be happier without alcohol.  Waking up feeling embarrassment, shame and regret is not the experience that you want to have in life.  If you give up alcohol for good, you can have the life you truly desire."  Hmmm... That last line might be part of the problem. 

I have spent most of my life not feeling worthy of the life I truly desire.  I have often wondered why I have overindulged during my entire relationship with alcohol.  I have very loving and easy going parents.  I did not experience difficulty growing up in terms of performance in school, popularity, weight or health issues or even what my parents were able to afford for us to eat, wear and do.  To my knowledge, I was not abused as a child in any way.  In spite of all of this, I always felt like I had some kind of shameful flaw.  When I got older I kind of looked at it like the tragic hero in Greek mythology.  The tragic hero had all of the tools and circumstances to have a great life experience except that the tragic hero had a tragic flaw.  This flaw would cause great suffering and well of course, tragedy.  The sad thing is that the tragic hero is never aware of this flaw so he is unable to fix it.  I can relate to this.  As a child I always felt confident, intelligent, attractive and well liked.  In some ways I felt that I could do anything yet deep down I had a little sinking feeling that something wasn't quite right with me; that somehow I might waste my opportunities or not live up to my potential.

I have been able to understand two factors that may have contributed to this feeling.  First, my sister and my dad are very alike.  They both are extremely responsible, meticulous, organized and routine oriented.  I am and alway was a free spirit with an extreme desire to explore and pursue my curiosity with just about everything.  I believe my dad was always trying to get my to slow down, to calm down, to see that life is not "one big party."  I can't even count how many times he said that to me. I always felt like he wanted me to be like my sister, who was well balanced, studious and responsible.  But the thing is that I wasn't always pursuing a party.  I wanted to be a foreign exchange student, go on road trips, join the Peace Corps.  In high school I was barely ever home but that wasn't always because I was "partying."  I was in plays, on the dance squad, building the homecoming float... I was just always out and about.  I graduated 3rd in my class with  4.35 GPA and yet I had this feeling that I couldn't be successful because there was something wrong with me.  I knew my dad wanted me to be more "normal" but I didn't know how to be that way!  Normal life just seemed so very boring.  It still does.  As I have gotten older, my dad has come to understand me and has accepted my sense of adventure and my being constantly on the go.  He has even joined me on some of my adventures. We both appreciate photography and he has gone along on some photography trips to some pretty remote places.  Even though I think that at this point he actually admires the very same things that he wanted to change about me in my youth, I still think that our differences really affected my sense of self worth.

The second factor that I think contributed to me feeling like there was something wrong with me is that my sister was extremely critical of me.  As I grew up, I learned that I could only share the things about me that were perfect.  If I had good news, good grades, a good deed, I could share it.  If I made a mistake or had a problem, I was going to be put on trial and made to feel like a horrible person.  This harsh judement really made me afraid of showing my imperfections.  The only thing I ever wanted from my sister was unconditional love and the more she didn't give it, the more I tried to prove that I was worthy of it by sharing my good side and putting an ironclad lock on all of my vulnerabilities.  I remember times that I shared things with my sister and she would say things like, "That is disgusting." "You are a selfish person."  "I don't want to hear anymore because this is just awful."  "You don't care about mom and dad." "You are a doormat."  These were reactions to things like having people over to my parents in high school when they were out of town or me talking about the way I guy treated me badly.  One time while home from college, I had a really really horrible thing happen during a night out with friends, I guess you could call it date rape. I was so upset that I must have showered three times and then just wanted to stay in my room all day.  I cancelled going to a car show with my dad.  I remember my sister yelling at me telling me how selfish I am and how I probably really disappointed and hurt my dad by being too hungover to spend the day with him.  That was one of the lowest points of my life. I felt horrible and I knew my sister thought I was just the worst person ever.  However, I didn't have the courage to tell her what happened as I thought she would probably think it was my fault for being out partying in the first place.  Wreckless me.  I really believe that this played out in romantic relationships too.  The worse a guy treated me, the more I would work to prove that I was lovable.  At the same time, if I guy really treated me well and expressed that he cared for me deeply, I would run the other way.  I didn't feel worthy and I was also convinced that he would soon find out that I am not perfect.  The idea of having two sides, the one presented to people who might judge you, and the one you hold in your heart, became very normal for me.  Of course I did confide in certain friends and even my parents about certain things, but I also knew how to slip into that way of not showing anyone your vulnerabilities.  I always believed that I would get myself all of fixed up and perfected, and THEN I would be ready for a relationship.  Until then, I would just pick people who were either extremely flawed so they wouldn't judge me or people who just didn't care about me.  The relationship with my sister has gotten much better in adulthood.  I have been able to share more and more with her and she has become a very supportive person in my life.  I was even able to share my decision to stop drinking and the reasons why and I was met with nothing but support. 

Still, these two relationships in my life really had an impact on my sense of worth.  It was never intentional. It just is what it is.  I wonder if any of this has to do with my relationship with alcohol or if it was simply biochemical.  To some degree I think it might have played a role in my drinking.  I may have had a little bit of a feeling like I had a flaw that was never going to be fixed so I may as well just do whatever.  You start telling yourself stories in your head that affect your self identity.  I am a wreckless person.  I am a flawed person.  I am a irresponsible person.  I am a selfish person.  Then you do things that confirm that.  This makes you feel worse about yourself and then it goes on and on.  I am not sure that I will ever figure out why I am the way I am.  I love my family very much and understand that family dynamics play a huge role in things.  In many ways I have been a selfish person and I am sure I have hurt and stressed my family in the past. I am grateful that my family relationships are pretty healthy right now... they have been for years now.  Still, it makes me sad that there are aspects of my life that have suffered due to the stories I told myself about my identity.  All I can do now is stay present and try to be the best person I can be everyday, even if that person is not perfect.