Back to Reality

Today was my first day back to work after returning from a mountain get away.  It is hard to believe that just yesterday I was hiking on the Appalachian Trail and today and I am back to reality.  Today couldn't be a more challenging day.  I knew that there would be some stressful times where the idea of not being able to unwind with a glass (or four) of wine would be rough. I had just said to my friend on the car ride back that I knew there would be a time where it would be tough to stay sober due to stress. 

During my work day today I actually had the thought that maybe it is better for me to drink.  I thought to myself that there is no way I can keep up the level of intensity of my work and have no outlet or escape. Perhaps my drinking will interfere with my wellness but allow me to contribute more to the world.  Crazy thinking, I know.  But I wondered "How can I keep up this level of giving to others if I can't blow off my steam... ever!"   First, I am a business owner.  There is a certain level of constant stress around managing finances, staff and generally running a business.  This is just normal stress, like the normal background stress or the default setting.  One example would be that one of my staff accidentally mailed off a large envelope I had set aside with no postage. It was set aside with no postage because I had no intention of mailing it until after payroll.  It was a huge tax check.  My staff member thought she was being helpful by putting postage on it and sent it.  Of course all of the sudden I had to flip flop around to cover payroll because now I was having thousands of dollars coming out of my account right in the middle of my payroll!  I wasn't at all mad at her.  It was an honest mistake and perhaps my fault for even having something like that laying around the office.  My staff can be very efficient so I shouldn't have assumed no one would touch it or mail it.  However, if any little thing like that happens, I have to fix it as I am responsible for everything including making sure my employees get paid even though thousands of dollars is unexpectedly coming out of my business account due to that tax check clearing.  Everyday I have multiple employees coming to me with needs and issues simply because I am the business owner.  It isn't necessarily a problem, although it sometimes is, but it just comes with the territory of owning a business.  As my business has grown, the more staff I have, the more people who have needs that I need to meet.  Second, the type of business that I am in requires me to have an intense interaction with people other than my staff.  I am a professional and prefer anonymity but I guess you could liken it to a dentist who is having to be up close with people all day long, having to help them with pain and staying well, and having to be very present and compassionate.  It is intense and I make an effort to be both present and compassionate and to always come from a place of unconditional love for humanity.  But let me tell you, at the end of the day I am physically and emotionally exhausted.  After work, I don't want to talk on the phone, listen to others, talk to others or even answer a text.  I am done.  This is on a normal day...  Turn the dial up on any given day and it is enough to put you over the edge.  I guess everyone deals with stress.  My goodness the whole world is stressed out.  Why should I feel that my life is any different or any more stressful. 

Just writing this blog has made me feel a lot better.  I have no idea if anyone is even reading this.  Whether I am writing to noone or writing to someone, staying at the office and writing before leaving and going home to where I might normally destress with wine and TV has helped immensely.  I believe the lesson is that I have to quiet myself before I act.  The thought of going home and taking a long hot shower, relaxing with a book or a TV show, and going to bed sounds doable now.  One hour ago, it seemed more like punishment when what I really wanted was to rid myself of all of the stuff I had absorbed from others all day by soaking in wine.  At this point, I feel that I can go home and relax.  Still, I will  have to get up early and put out some fires in the morning that are still burning due to my absence from my business.  I learned a long time ago that if I don't travel, I will burn out in my business but the trade off is when you come back, your business is needier than ever for a few days.  Having your own business is like an infant that never grows up.  It is always hungry and it always needs you.  I am used to giving all I have to my business and then escaping with wine when needed.  Oh shit.  How am I going to do this forever?  Well, I guess I will have to find a way.