Grateful for Clarity

One of my favorite lines from one of my favorite "mindless make you laugh" movies is when Harold from Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle says, "The universe tends to unfold as it should."  For some reason that line of thought has always given me great comfort.  I have long subscribed to the belief that as we journey through life there is a purpose to every experience we have regardless of whether it was positve or negative, welcomed or unwelcomed.  After the dust settled and the fog lifted from particularly painful experiences in life, I would often be grateful for the clarity and wisdom I gained from the situation.  I could view it like the hero's journey where we go through thresholds in life that reveal spiritual truths only after getting past the gatekeeper who is often a teacher, a challenge, or a painful experience that leads to transformation. I have grown along this journey in life immensely.  However, there is one place the growth has been stunted.

For many years I have had the same challenge presented to me over and over again and although I may have gained wisdom and clarity in the battle, I just couldn't cross a very important threshold.  That threshold is feeling whole.  I didn't understand it then but that includes sobriety.  I have long tried to walk through the threshold of problem drinker to normal drinker but I just can't get through.  I read a book once that talked about carrying things that no longer serve you.  It talked about how you might be carrying so many grocery bags up to your front door that you physically cannot open the door and go inside.  You have to put something down in order to enter.  Well, I am finally realizing that I cannot pass through this particular threshold until I put the drinking down.  For good.

I have finally gained the clarity that this is required to have the life that I desire.  What a relief.  I have made this decision with great certainty and confidence.  My biggest fear is that as I start to feel happier and more fulfilled in sobriety, I will begin to forget the depression and regret associated with my drinking.  For this reason, I have decided to blog.

I am hoping that by blogging, I will gain even greater clarity and help others along the way.