Another Hotel

Well, here I am in another hotel.  That makes three weekends in a row.  This time I got away for the Labor Day weekend to meet up with my sister, her husband and my nephew for my nephew's travel soccer tournament.  My parents came as well and we all drove together.  We are staying at a historic hotel. Tonight everyone is kind of hanging in their rooms and going to bed early as we have to be at the field tomorrow at 8 am.  Tonight was a little challenging.  Again, sometimes the ego can get in the way.  When we arrived we hung out for a short time in my sister's room just to visit briefly now that we are all here.  When we were all saying goodbye for the night, my sister offered my dad some wine to take to his room.  I felt a little offended that she didn't ask me if I wanted wine to take to my room.  I had this thought even though I already told her that I have stopped drinking and I have shared the reasons why.  My ego still wants to believe that everyone still sees me as a normal drinker who can choose to drink at any time and it isn't a big deal.  Ironically, just as I as pondering my reaction, my sister then asked me if I wanted some wine.  I laughed and said no.  Then she said, "Oh yeah.  Sorry, I forgot."  Then I was offended that she forgot that I made such an important life changing decision.  It is actually really funny.  It all just goes to show that this decision really is for me and only for me.  It is all about me feeling mentally and emotionally healthy, not what people think about my drinking or whether they are paying attention to my sober journey.  Otherwise I am basing everything on anything but what is going on inside of me.  It is ridiculous to think that since my sister offered me wine, then I must be a normal drinker.  That couldn't be further from the truth.  Or if my sister forgot that I stopped drinking, the reasons why I stopped must not be that big of a deal.  That also coldn't be further from the truth.

After I left my sister's room, I went back to mine.  Just a few minutes earlier, I had glanced out of my sister's hotel window and noticed the cute little garden with cocktail tables and candles outside by the pool.  I commented how cute it looked down there.  I have my normal routine and habits that I associate with relaxing in a hotel.  I would normally get settled, then go down to the bar and have a drink while I read my email or am on the internet.  Or, I would go down to the bar and get a glass of wine and bring it up to my room while I putter around or watch a movie.  In this case, I would have loved to sit by the pool and have a glass of wine and read.  Of course when I went to my room, my key wouldn't work.  I had to go back downstairs to get my key re-magnatized.  I decided to walk around this beautiful historic hotel.  I checked out the little garden cocktail area and walked over to the restaurant/bar to check out my normal place that I would have some wine.  I felt a little guilty exploring.  I knew I wouldn't drink but I just wanted to see what I was missing.  I wondered if  I would run into one of my family members and if they would think I was sneaking around to get a glass of wine.

I came back up to my room and took a nice hot bath.  This is a really nice place. I am feeling relaxed now and laughing at the irony of being sad that I can't waste my time in the bar when really this luxurious tub and beautiful room wouldn't have even been appreciated if I were drinking in the bar.  As far as the little cocktail garden by the pool, there is nothing stopping me from reading by the pool with a cranberry and soda.  I think I only want to do that because I am romanticizing the wine by the pool image.  Honestly, I am perfectly comfy in my pjs in my room.  The only thing that upset me this evening was all about my ego and wanting to be looked at as "normal."  I am feeling better than normal right now as I am all cozied up in my fancy hotel room.