Well, the weekend is over and I am heading home from visiting with family for my nephew's travel soccer tournament. After a little over two weeks sober, I am still observing my feelings and navigating through this new path. This morning I am feeling grateful for sticking with my plan of not drinking and having nothing to feel guilty about. The only negative feeling I can still detect is a sense of defeat. I am still irritated that I cannot be a normal drinker. At this point it isn't even about having the actual drink. It is just agitating that I have any lack of freedom even if I have placed that restriction on myself. I have never liked authority, rules or being told what to do and I think this little bit of agitation is stemming from that place. My intuition tells me to just observe these feelings and don't act on them or dwell on them.
It seems that all weekend long, alcohol was there to remind me that I can't have it anymore. We even went to see a movie and this particular movie theater served wine. The ladies in front of us were sipping wine while watching the movie. I really didn't want any wine while I watched my movie but it was just funny that it was there, right in front of me in an unexpected place. Everywhere we went to dinner or lunch, people were drinking. I never have paid attention to who is drinking and what they are drinking. Now I find myself taking in every detail. I notice the twenty something young lady having a martini at dinner with her parents. I notice the couple with the bottle of wine they are sharing with dinner. I notice the couple with water on the table and no alcohol. All of the sudden I like them more.
As my head clears more and more, I find it peculiar that I have found it acceptable to drink at the level that I did. I am the person that will avoid medication unless it is life or death. I don't even take the occassional advil or tylenol. I have never understood why people pop pills for this or that. I never understood how people could be so disconnected with their bodies, drugging themselves for every little ill. I even hate the state of Western Medicine which seems to be based on getting every American on as many prescripton pills as possible to "manage" their condition so that the pharmaceutical companies get rich while the person never takes responsibility for their health and recovers. How ironic that I have been willing to soak every cell in my body with a high percentage of alcohol on a regular basis. The truth is that being sober is much more congruent with who I am and what I stand for. Now I just have to get the rebel in me to calm down and accept that I have decided not to drink and that it isn't about me losing freedom, being told what to do or having to follow rules. I am simply taking a step that puts me in greater alignment with my truest self. This should feel like empowerment, not like I have put a punishment on myself. I trust that this will get better.
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