I have to admit. I am feeling a little sorry for myself. The gratitude for sobriety that has been at the very forefront of my mind daily has yielded a bit to life's stresses and challenges. In the past couple of weeks I have had specialized equipment break in my business that cost me thousands of dollars, my office internet went out, our fax machine died and other business challenges have been sprouting like weeds. I finally did go to my big business conference that I had mentioned in my previous blog. I was so worried about that darn wine tasting. Well, I arrived at my conference stressed out due to all of the business challenges and things just went from bad to worse. I think I mentioned that I play a large role in running the conference. Well everything under the sun went wrong. In over 10 years of event planning (a volunteer role I do within my professinal association), this was by far the worst event we have ever, ever, ever had. A lot of the problems had to do with the venue. They failed to do deliver on just about every level. We will never go back to that location again. However, there were other problems that occurred with vendors and speakers as well. I am a stickler for details and confirmations. Yet with this event, it was like a cloud of chaos followed me right from my business to my conference even in spite of all my normal checks and balances. This conference was in no way reflective of our normal events and I am fully aware that the things that went wrong were not my doing. Still, it was very challenging.
By day two, I decided that I would drink. We hadn't even gotten to day three... the wine tasting. I had decided that since I was well rested and sober and everything was STILL going wrong I should just go ahead and have some wine at the cocktail reception. In all my years of running conference, I never had so many problems. Usually all goes well and I am usually schmoozing in the evening over wine with the speakers and colleagues. So clearly I needed to go back to doing my normal routine for these types of events and that includes wine. Now, it is not that I merely perceived things were going well in the past because I was drinking. They really were going well. Anyway, there was only two things that stopped me from drinking wine. The first was Belle. I am doing her 100 day challenge. She has checked in with me a few times. (I am very bad at taking the time to do the daily email.) I didn't want to tell her that I didn't complete my 100 days. The second thing was me. There is something happening in this process of recovery and I don't want to interfere with the process that is unfolding. I have this certaintly in my gut that I am gaining more and more clarity, my self esteem is building, my ability to cope with stress is growing and I just feel more like me. Sometimes I still feel that I could try moderation again because my times of overdoing it were just a few times a year. (But when I did overdo it, it was BAD.) I could be lying to myself as to whether that is possible. Still, I really feel that right now it is essential for me to let this process unfold. There are gems being revealed to me along the way and I don't want to give up those gems.
Now back to feeling sorry for myself. As I was dancing on the edge of a meltdown at my conference and toying with drinking wine, I felt very alone. I choose not to attend any kind of group recovery. Reading the recovery blogs helps. However, my colleagues wouldn't care one way or the other if I drank. My friends and in whom I have confided were not present at this business event. It was just me and Belle in my head. I have always been one to want to do it my way. I have always been one who doesn't ask for or seek help. But I realize now that I do need a little support or to simply be in communication with others going through the same thing. I have read a lot of recovery blogs and I see all of the support. I feel very isolated from that community. I feel like no one is reading this. So it goes back to me taking care of myself and doing it on my own. I am proud of myself that when it was just me and my head, I made the right decision. But I also realized how easy it would be to just say nevermind... it is my choice and no one will ever know the difference anyway.
Friday, October 18, 2013
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Sat Nam, Settling Into My Truth
Wow, it has been a while since I have written! Life has been a bit up and down but I have remained sober. On one hand I have been thoroughly enjoying the world free of guilt, shame, regret and hangovers but on the other hand my ragweed allergies have been killing me and it has been hard to fully enjoy my new lifestyle. I can't hear out of one ear because I blew my nose so hard that I forced fluid into my eustachian tube. I have been like this for three weeks and it has been thoroughly annoying! I finally saw the ear nose throat specialist this morning and there is a plan to clear it up so hopefully there will be some improvement soon.
There have been two significant events since my last post. The first significant thing is that I completed a really difficult hike that I had only done once before. When I attempted it before, I made it but I really struggled. I struggled enough that when I completed it, I cried... hard. Tears of relief. I struggled enough that I wondered if I would make it back before dark or would I be spending the night on the mountain. For this particular hike, you are committed after a certain point. You drop down into this crevasse at one point and there is no way you can turn around after that because you wouldn't be able to get back up it. You just have to keep going even though you aren't at the summit yet. Last time, I had a lot of fear between that point and the summit because my legs were so tired they were shaking and I was extremely out of breath. I didn't have any certainty that I could do it. I didn't have faith in my body and my will. I was so sore for days afterward the last time that I could barely walk. This time was a whole new experience. I went with the intention of doing a practice hike since my friends and I are going to do it in October. I intended on hiking up to the crevasse point and turning around going back down. It was so much easier this time, I decided to do the whole thing. Yes, it was really really hard but I actually enjoyed it this time. I felt so much more certain of myself and I struggled so much less. This time I was only mildly sore the next two days. You could say I am better shape but not in that much better shape. Maybe I have lost a few pounds but my workout regime hasn't changed much. Honestly, I think that just staying sober, getting proper rest, and having more confidence and wellbeing made all of the difference in the world. Just the simple act of taking care of the body instead of abusing it sure does allow you to feel more connected and confident. All of the yoga in the world couldn't make that one connection that I can't put my finger on but it has to do with having integrity in working with your body. Not just drink at night, do yoga during the day. But live presently, mindfully and lovingly while treating your body with respect.
The second significant thing is that I had a girls night out last weekend. It was our typical wine and cheese before going out, going to a fancy cocktail lounge, going to a foodie restaurant then hitting some places for some after dinner fun. I knew that the night was going to have a lot of alcohol. I know this doesn't support my new lifestyle but this was planned for a long time with some very close friends. We have a hard time getting things on the calendar and it was really important to me to catch up with them. The evening started with wine and cheese and conversation at my friends house. I stuck to water. I didn't feel like the oddball at all and I enjoyed talking and laughing. My friends were really sweet to go out of their way to bring some fancy sparkly carbonated nonalcoholic drink for me. I am having a bit of a hard time with that as I don't want to be treated differently but at the same time it was very considerate of them. I never even ended up drinking it though as I am a water with lemon kind of gal. It is either wine or water for me! Anyway, next we moved to a hipster cocktail lounge, you know the kind with all of the homemade syrups and the bartender is called a mixologist. The kind of place where you get a vodka drink with a basil pomegranate infusion or something like that. I did fine with that too, especially since I started thinking that my friends had several glasses of wine and now are on cocktails and this would be the point where I would be starting to get rocked. I was relieved that there I was still completely present in the moment and able to enjoy the company. Next we moved to the bistro. The wine list was two miles long and there was a little tiny pinch of pain that I couldn't do wine pairings with my dinner. The only really hard part was that my friend ordered a bottle of this special champagne that she had in this certain region of Spain. They ordered a bottle and all discussed the nuances of different types of champagne. This is the only time that I felt like, well, geez, can't I just have one glass of champagne? I didn't. I also felt a little like, well I could just take a sip because then I would see what difference they are referring too in comparing Cava champagne to Prosecco. And of course, taking a sip of champagne also proves that I have no fear of alcohol. One sip doesn't equal this thing called relapse and I am not going to turn to ash and crumble right there at the table. I didn't take a sip. I can be on board with choosing to give up alcohol but lately I am having all kinds of rebellious thoughts if there is any hint of imposing rules and "can'ts" even if I am imposing them on myself. Anyway, all of this only went on for maybe two minutes and then it was back to enjoying dinner. After dinner we ended up stumbling (not really stumbling!) upon this place with an amazing band. There was a bridal party at this bar, including the bride and groom, which made the scene really festive. My friends were dancing really crazy and goofy and I joined right in. I really have never had a problem getting crazy, free or being extroverted without drinking. We had an amazing time. I was really grateful to have enjoyed it in full sobriety.
Today in doing yoga, we were doing the mantra "Sat Nam" Sanskrit for I am truth. Truth is my identity. I had this thought later like what if something was lost in translation and you were actually meditating on the idea of I am a lie. Lies are my identity. My yoga instructor and I laughed about it later. But during my mediation, I did have this wonderful sense of peace. I AM truth. Truth IS my identity. I know what it feels like to live a lie. Even if the lie is just that it is okay to do something that is not reflecting self love and self respect. The lie that it is fine to damage yourself physically and mentally. That is always how I felt about drinking. That it is holding me back from being my highest self. It felt good to know that I wasn't actively sabotaging my highest vibrational energy, my highest potential, my authentic self, my truth. Sat Nam.
There have been two significant events since my last post. The first significant thing is that I completed a really difficult hike that I had only done once before. When I attempted it before, I made it but I really struggled. I struggled enough that when I completed it, I cried... hard. Tears of relief. I struggled enough that I wondered if I would make it back before dark or would I be spending the night on the mountain. For this particular hike, you are committed after a certain point. You drop down into this crevasse at one point and there is no way you can turn around after that because you wouldn't be able to get back up it. You just have to keep going even though you aren't at the summit yet. Last time, I had a lot of fear between that point and the summit because my legs were so tired they were shaking and I was extremely out of breath. I didn't have any certainty that I could do it. I didn't have faith in my body and my will. I was so sore for days afterward the last time that I could barely walk. This time was a whole new experience. I went with the intention of doing a practice hike since my friends and I are going to do it in October. I intended on hiking up to the crevasse point and turning around going back down. It was so much easier this time, I decided to do the whole thing. Yes, it was really really hard but I actually enjoyed it this time. I felt so much more certain of myself and I struggled so much less. This time I was only mildly sore the next two days. You could say I am better shape but not in that much better shape. Maybe I have lost a few pounds but my workout regime hasn't changed much. Honestly, I think that just staying sober, getting proper rest, and having more confidence and wellbeing made all of the difference in the world. Just the simple act of taking care of the body instead of abusing it sure does allow you to feel more connected and confident. All of the yoga in the world couldn't make that one connection that I can't put my finger on but it has to do with having integrity in working with your body. Not just drink at night, do yoga during the day. But live presently, mindfully and lovingly while treating your body with respect.
The second significant thing is that I had a girls night out last weekend. It was our typical wine and cheese before going out, going to a fancy cocktail lounge, going to a foodie restaurant then hitting some places for some after dinner fun. I knew that the night was going to have a lot of alcohol. I know this doesn't support my new lifestyle but this was planned for a long time with some very close friends. We have a hard time getting things on the calendar and it was really important to me to catch up with them. The evening started with wine and cheese and conversation at my friends house. I stuck to water. I didn't feel like the oddball at all and I enjoyed talking and laughing. My friends were really sweet to go out of their way to bring some fancy sparkly carbonated nonalcoholic drink for me. I am having a bit of a hard time with that as I don't want to be treated differently but at the same time it was very considerate of them. I never even ended up drinking it though as I am a water with lemon kind of gal. It is either wine or water for me! Anyway, next we moved to a hipster cocktail lounge, you know the kind with all of the homemade syrups and the bartender is called a mixologist. The kind of place where you get a vodka drink with a basil pomegranate infusion or something like that. I did fine with that too, especially since I started thinking that my friends had several glasses of wine and now are on cocktails and this would be the point where I would be starting to get rocked. I was relieved that there I was still completely present in the moment and able to enjoy the company. Next we moved to the bistro. The wine list was two miles long and there was a little tiny pinch of pain that I couldn't do wine pairings with my dinner. The only really hard part was that my friend ordered a bottle of this special champagne that she had in this certain region of Spain. They ordered a bottle and all discussed the nuances of different types of champagne. This is the only time that I felt like, well, geez, can't I just have one glass of champagne? I didn't. I also felt a little like, well I could just take a sip because then I would see what difference they are referring too in comparing Cava champagne to Prosecco. And of course, taking a sip of champagne also proves that I have no fear of alcohol. One sip doesn't equal this thing called relapse and I am not going to turn to ash and crumble right there at the table. I didn't take a sip. I can be on board with choosing to give up alcohol but lately I am having all kinds of rebellious thoughts if there is any hint of imposing rules and "can'ts" even if I am imposing them on myself. Anyway, all of this only went on for maybe two minutes and then it was back to enjoying dinner. After dinner we ended up stumbling (not really stumbling!) upon this place with an amazing band. There was a bridal party at this bar, including the bride and groom, which made the scene really festive. My friends were dancing really crazy and goofy and I joined right in. I really have never had a problem getting crazy, free or being extroverted without drinking. We had an amazing time. I was really grateful to have enjoyed it in full sobriety.
Today in doing yoga, we were doing the mantra "Sat Nam" Sanskrit for I am truth. Truth is my identity. I had this thought later like what if something was lost in translation and you were actually meditating on the idea of I am a lie. Lies are my identity. My yoga instructor and I laughed about it later. But during my mediation, I did have this wonderful sense of peace. I AM truth. Truth IS my identity. I know what it feels like to live a lie. Even if the lie is just that it is okay to do something that is not reflecting self love and self respect. The lie that it is fine to damage yourself physically and mentally. That is always how I felt about drinking. That it is holding me back from being my highest self. It felt good to know that I wasn't actively sabotaging my highest vibrational energy, my highest potential, my authentic self, my truth. Sat Nam.
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
A Lifetime versus an Hour and a Half?
Since I made my decision to stop drinking, I knew right away one of my biggest challenges would be the ego telling me that I could still experience certain situations with alcohol. When I look at not drinking because I am sticking to a healthier lifestyle choice, I can't think of any single situation where I would not be okay with remaining sober. However, when I look at something as you CAN'T do that anymore, my ego gets very offended. It is amazing how strongly I resist any kind of authority or being told what to do. I have no idea where that came from as I have always excelled in school and in work. It is true that I don't like following rules or having my freedom impinged upon so maybe that is why I own my own business.
Well, I was still high on life after my wonderful weekend when yesterday something took me off guard. The registration and schedule for an upcoming professional/business association convention came in the mail. I am a leader in my profession and am very involved in these conventions in terms of planning and running them. There is usually a crew of leadership that might be entertaining the speakers and having dinner and drinks in the evening. I am usually part of that crew. Historically, a lot of business, planning and problem solving occurs over cocktails late night. I had already decided that I was committed to not drinking and that I would go along with the entertaining and late night discussions while sipping a cranberry and soda. There is also a cocktail reception that I knew I would be attending and I also wasn't worried about being able to enjoy that sober. I knew all of these things always led to overimbibing and staying up too late even when I would set out not to drink too much. I would always try to keep somewhat of a reign on things as I didn't want to embarrass myself with my colleagues. Fortunately or unfortunately, my crew of colleagues that are leaders in our profession tend to get a little crazy themselves so nobody really noticed or thought anything of anyone getting a little fire up. This time was going to be a different experience for me though. I actually looked forward to enjoying the convention and sipping coffee while enthusiastically taking in the first speaker early in the morning.
I was completely aware of the schedule and speakers for this convention as I helped to plan it. But there was something in the schedule that threw me for a loop; something I didn't plan. It was written right there on the brochure: wine tasting. Ugh. It would be highly unusual for me to miss any kind of activity at a convention. I am expected to be an active participant and somewhat of a host. I can attend a cocktail reception and drink nonalcoholic drinks but how can I attend a wine tasting and not drink? Clearly I am going to have to skip it. However, this is going to generate a lot of questions. I don't care if people here or there ask me why I don't have my usual glass of Pinot Noir at the cocktail reception. These people are my close friends and colleagues. Those close enough to me to ask are those close enough for me to say... "I feel like I am happier without drinking. I decided to stop." Or, "I have had a lot of fun with drinking but sometimes I get carried away and it just brings me down." They would get it. But my absence at the wine tasting will generate a lot of questions even from those who may not know me well. Perhaps some of the speakers may even ask why I am not attending. I am not sure if I am ready for that. I may actually have to make up an excuse. I really don't want to do that. I just want to be real and be me.
The difficulty of having to admit that I cannot attend a wine tasting for my own wellbeing is extremely frustrating to me. So there I sat looking at the brochure. I decided I can attend the wine tasting. It probably wouldn't last more than an hour. Technically it was a wine and cheese tasting. I could sip each wine that was presented and then after the wine tasting stop drinking for the rest of the night. Then I would go back to my normal I am not drinking at all self. I pondered this for a while. Once I did the wine tasting, we would all go to dinner. Would I decide to have wine with dinner since I had already done the tasting? After dinner we would go to a bar or lounge. Would I keep going? If I did the wine tasting and didn't continue drinking that night would I be agitated that I had to stop? Wouldn't that be more agitating than just abstaining in a situation that you would normally be drinking.
It is funny (or not) how you can wager a lifetime of sobriety on one single wine tasting at a convention because you are worried about how to present this new you to attendees of a convention. I am going to table my thoughts on this for a while. I have weeks until this occasion will arise. For now, I know that I have been grateful every day that I have had nothing to feel bad about. I also feel like I am giving my emotional self an opportunity to reveal itself more authentically so that I can process anything that I may have ignored in the past. Nothing too significant has come up yet but I have feeling that this is a process that I need to experience in order to feel whole. I don't want to compromise being fully present in my life. I also don't do well with gray areas. If I decide to do this one thing then will I make up other situations where I make an exception? My gut tells me that I will stick with my decision to not drink at all... ever. Does anyone have any experience with the situation I described above regarding being at a work convention where you have had years and years of history drinking with your colleagues? How did you handle it? Also, any thoughts on what to do about avoiding the wine tasting? Clearly this is not something you can attend and just drink water with lemon.
Well, I was still high on life after my wonderful weekend when yesterday something took me off guard. The registration and schedule for an upcoming professional/business association convention came in the mail. I am a leader in my profession and am very involved in these conventions in terms of planning and running them. There is usually a crew of leadership that might be entertaining the speakers and having dinner and drinks in the evening. I am usually part of that crew. Historically, a lot of business, planning and problem solving occurs over cocktails late night. I had already decided that I was committed to not drinking and that I would go along with the entertaining and late night discussions while sipping a cranberry and soda. There is also a cocktail reception that I knew I would be attending and I also wasn't worried about being able to enjoy that sober. I knew all of these things always led to overimbibing and staying up too late even when I would set out not to drink too much. I would always try to keep somewhat of a reign on things as I didn't want to embarrass myself with my colleagues. Fortunately or unfortunately, my crew of colleagues that are leaders in our profession tend to get a little crazy themselves so nobody really noticed or thought anything of anyone getting a little fire up. This time was going to be a different experience for me though. I actually looked forward to enjoying the convention and sipping coffee while enthusiastically taking in the first speaker early in the morning.
I was completely aware of the schedule and speakers for this convention as I helped to plan it. But there was something in the schedule that threw me for a loop; something I didn't plan. It was written right there on the brochure: wine tasting. Ugh. It would be highly unusual for me to miss any kind of activity at a convention. I am expected to be an active participant and somewhat of a host. I can attend a cocktail reception and drink nonalcoholic drinks but how can I attend a wine tasting and not drink? Clearly I am going to have to skip it. However, this is going to generate a lot of questions. I don't care if people here or there ask me why I don't have my usual glass of Pinot Noir at the cocktail reception. These people are my close friends and colleagues. Those close enough to me to ask are those close enough for me to say... "I feel like I am happier without drinking. I decided to stop." Or, "I have had a lot of fun with drinking but sometimes I get carried away and it just brings me down." They would get it. But my absence at the wine tasting will generate a lot of questions even from those who may not know me well. Perhaps some of the speakers may even ask why I am not attending. I am not sure if I am ready for that. I may actually have to make up an excuse. I really don't want to do that. I just want to be real and be me.
The difficulty of having to admit that I cannot attend a wine tasting for my own wellbeing is extremely frustrating to me. So there I sat looking at the brochure. I decided I can attend the wine tasting. It probably wouldn't last more than an hour. Technically it was a wine and cheese tasting. I could sip each wine that was presented and then after the wine tasting stop drinking for the rest of the night. Then I would go back to my normal I am not drinking at all self. I pondered this for a while. Once I did the wine tasting, we would all go to dinner. Would I decide to have wine with dinner since I had already done the tasting? After dinner we would go to a bar or lounge. Would I keep going? If I did the wine tasting and didn't continue drinking that night would I be agitated that I had to stop? Wouldn't that be more agitating than just abstaining in a situation that you would normally be drinking.
It is funny (or not) how you can wager a lifetime of sobriety on one single wine tasting at a convention because you are worried about how to present this new you to attendees of a convention. I am going to table my thoughts on this for a while. I have weeks until this occasion will arise. For now, I know that I have been grateful every day that I have had nothing to feel bad about. I also feel like I am giving my emotional self an opportunity to reveal itself more authentically so that I can process anything that I may have ignored in the past. Nothing too significant has come up yet but I have feeling that this is a process that I need to experience in order to feel whole. I don't want to compromise being fully present in my life. I also don't do well with gray areas. If I decide to do this one thing then will I make up other situations where I make an exception? My gut tells me that I will stick with my decision to not drink at all... ever. Does anyone have any experience with the situation I described above regarding being at a work convention where you have had years and years of history drinking with your colleagues? How did you handle it? Also, any thoughts on what to do about avoiding the wine tasting? Clearly this is not something you can attend and just drink water with lemon.
Monday, September 9, 2013
Two Nuns and a Priest Walk in to a Winery...
Well, the weekend turned out to be wonderful. I ended up having a fantastic time at the winery and I didn't drink nor did I feel deprived. The drive is about 90 minutes from my office. I worked Saturday morning until 12pm then headed to the winery. In order to get there, I had to drive on the interstate. I get a lot of anxiety on the interstate. I can't stand the high speeds, the gazillion lanes and the 18 wheelers everywhere. I have had such bad anxiety attacks on the interstate that I have had to get off and then pull over somewhere to get myself together. I white knuckled it the whole way there, doing my yoga breathing to try to keep myself from going into a full blown panic attack. None of this had to do with drinking. It only had to do with being on the interstate. I finally got off on my exit and was welcomed with rolling green hills and country roads. I arrived at the winery and parked. My friends called and let me know they were running about 45 minutes late.
So here I am at a winery with nothing to do while I wait. Just then a party bus pulls up and parks. The doors open and one by one beautiful young preppy gay men start pouring out. I wonder how many could actually fit on one bus! I started counting and it seemed like there were over 30. It was clear that this wasn't their first winery. They all seemed pretty lit up. I laughed to myself at how I would normally love to follow their gang up to the tasting area and do a tasting with them just to kill time. They seemed hilarious and jovial. Then I started thinking about what a beautiful day it was with the mild breeze and pleasantly warm weather. I was taking in the gorgeous green hills lined with grape vines, the beautiful garden and the big hill that led down to a creek lined with hammocks. I thought about how present I was in the moment and whether I would ever prefer to trade that for mindlessly getting drunk wine "tasting." Not that one tasting would make me drunk, but when you hit wineries all day like those guys were doing, you definitely will end up drunk. I felt relieved that I wouldn't be feeling bad the next day. I decided to kill the time by walking around the grounds taking pictures. I really enjoyed doing that. After that I grabbed my picnic stuff and walked down the hill to snag a great picnic spot by the creek. Once I put my stuff down, I laid in the hammock and admired the trees branches and leaves above my head and the soft breeze.
While I was in the hammock, I had some interesting people watching. There was a priest and two nuns picnicking by the creek. They had driven their car down the grassy hill and parked it by the creek. They were drinking wine. There was also a family hanging out, eating, parents drinking wine, and kids playing lawn games in the grass. They had also driven their car down the hill and parked by the creek. Finally, there was a group of twentysomethings who were deep into some wine, laughing, smoking cigarettes and basically having a party down picnic. Their car was also parked by the creek. So when my friends called and said they had arrived, I told them I snagged a great picnic spot and to go ahead and bring their car down the hill so they wouldn't have to lug their picnic stuff. There is a point to the parking, I promise, but just hold that thought for a minute.
One of the young ladies in the party picnic group was wearing her underwear over her jeans. Probably a dare.. perhaps she his getting married and this is her bachelorette party. The nuns start walking to their car and the party picnic posse stops them. They all start talking and laughing and before I know it the lady with the outer underwear is taking pictures with the nuns. The nuns finally leave just as my friends drive down the hill and park. The priest is still down there by his car drinking wine by the creek.
We spread out our yummy assortment of food and begin a nice visit. I laugh again to myself that my friends aren't even noticing that they haven't gotten any wine yet. That would have been my first task upon arrival. They seemed more interested in chit chatting and eating. Finally, my friend says she is going to walk up the hill and get some wine. She starts up the hill and turns back to get some bug spray. Just then a lady comes barrelling down the hill in a golf cart. She ignores the priest, the family and comes straight over to us. She says that she is the owner and that we can't have a car parked down here. Then she asks if we have beer. No, we didn't. Then she asks if we are drinking wine from their winery. Um, my friends were just about to buy some wine from your winery. My friend says she was just about to go get some. Then the goes on and on about how cars can't be parked by the creek, you can't bring in your own alcohol, how they are so busy and how they have to pour people wine for tastings... blah blah blah. She saw that we had a citronella candle and went off about no candles. She went into a long tirade about a nearby state park and how she didn't even know if they allowed citronella candles, how she wasn't sure about that but candles could be a fire hazard. She kept repeating herself like she was a robot stuck on a circuit. We just kept saying, okay. Yes, I understand. Yes, okay. Yes, Maam. Oh okay. Finally, my friend said, "Okay we are leaving NOW." She is an acupuncturist and a hypnotherapist and she later told me that she said it like that because she was trying to snap the woman out of it. It was like she was on some circuit stuck on spewing nervous agitation. We moved their car back to the parking lot and then sat out in the vineyard and chatted while my friends drank the wine they bought.
Here is what is funny about this whole incident. We were doing nothing wrong. We were dressed very nice, quiet, calm and definitely sober. I completely understand them wanting us to spend money at their winery and how people shouldn't use their grounds for picnicking unless they are spending money. I am always sensitive to that kind of thing. I have good etiquette and understand how it is to run a business as well. I totally get that. But I don't think whether we were buying wine had anything to do with what was going on with this lady. I think she was just having some sort of meltdown. Maybe the gay party bus posse put her over the edge. I have no idea. I just enjoyed the fact that I was calm and present and knew that we had done absolutely nothing wrong and I was just witnessing a lady have a meltdown. Good thing she didn't see the party picnic posse chain smoking, cussing and wearing underwear over their clothes. I don't know why she chose to take her frustration out on us specifically. I should have just said, "Do you need a hug?" Anyway, normal winery me would have already been into several glasses of wine, maybe I would have bummed a cigarette from the party posse (a getting drunk thing that sometimes happens with me) and therefore I would have had a whole other take on this woman. I would have felt guilty like I did something wrong. Sober, I was able to see clearly that this wasn't about me, or my friends. Seeing cars parked by the creek was probably the straw that broke the camels back after a long day of dealing with drunk people.
After we left the vineyard and walked around a quaint little town, we sat outside at a little cafe and had coffee. We almost cried laughing so hard about how we could get back at the lady on Trip Advisor. (We never would do that.) We laughed at how we could say... Smoker and Motorcyclists' Paradise. Bring Your Own Beer and ride your dirt back on the hill overlooking the creek. Bring a cooler and fish by the creek after you do some four wheeling. Boom Boxes welcome.
Anyway, the rest of the day was wonderful. We ended up back at my friends house where we stayed up chit chatting and then we spent the night. I really noticed how I would have been pushing my drinking agenda normally and how differently the day unfolded for me. Normally I would have found a way not to drive. Then I would have had wine while waiting for my friends. Probably would have been invited onto the gay party bus while I waited! Then I would have had wine with the picnic, then wine sitting in the vineyard. When we went to the cafe, I would have had more wine! I would have asked that we make some additional stops at some cool places in the town, to check out the cute pub or the beautiful view here or there... so I could have some wine. Then when we settled back at my friends, I would have popped open a bottle that I would have bought at the winery. I would have ended up drunk, but probably not sloppy as these friends don't drink much. Instead, it was awesome to chit chat in my friend's living room and laugh my head off. I am probably way more witty sober!
The next morning we all went to a great place for breakfast. I thoroughly enjoyed my almond milk mocha. I enjoyed every sip without feeling guilty about the night before, without feeling hungover, without wishing I could still be sleeping. After breakfast, we parted ways and I walked to the movie theater around the corner and caught a 10:20 am movie. After that I walked to the reflexology studio and had an hour session. When I finally left to go home, I couldn't believe how much I had already done on a Sunday morning! Breakfast with friends, a movie, some pampering... and I still had the whole day ahead! I felt so grateful and happy for my beautiful, funny, wonderful weekend.
So here I am at a winery with nothing to do while I wait. Just then a party bus pulls up and parks. The doors open and one by one beautiful young preppy gay men start pouring out. I wonder how many could actually fit on one bus! I started counting and it seemed like there were over 30. It was clear that this wasn't their first winery. They all seemed pretty lit up. I laughed to myself at how I would normally love to follow their gang up to the tasting area and do a tasting with them just to kill time. They seemed hilarious and jovial. Then I started thinking about what a beautiful day it was with the mild breeze and pleasantly warm weather. I was taking in the gorgeous green hills lined with grape vines, the beautiful garden and the big hill that led down to a creek lined with hammocks. I thought about how present I was in the moment and whether I would ever prefer to trade that for mindlessly getting drunk wine "tasting." Not that one tasting would make me drunk, but when you hit wineries all day like those guys were doing, you definitely will end up drunk. I felt relieved that I wouldn't be feeling bad the next day. I decided to kill the time by walking around the grounds taking pictures. I really enjoyed doing that. After that I grabbed my picnic stuff and walked down the hill to snag a great picnic spot by the creek. Once I put my stuff down, I laid in the hammock and admired the trees branches and leaves above my head and the soft breeze.
While I was in the hammock, I had some interesting people watching. There was a priest and two nuns picnicking by the creek. They had driven their car down the grassy hill and parked it by the creek. They were drinking wine. There was also a family hanging out, eating, parents drinking wine, and kids playing lawn games in the grass. They had also driven their car down the hill and parked by the creek. Finally, there was a group of twentysomethings who were deep into some wine, laughing, smoking cigarettes and basically having a party down picnic. Their car was also parked by the creek. So when my friends called and said they had arrived, I told them I snagged a great picnic spot and to go ahead and bring their car down the hill so they wouldn't have to lug their picnic stuff. There is a point to the parking, I promise, but just hold that thought for a minute.
One of the young ladies in the party picnic group was wearing her underwear over her jeans. Probably a dare.. perhaps she his getting married and this is her bachelorette party. The nuns start walking to their car and the party picnic posse stops them. They all start talking and laughing and before I know it the lady with the outer underwear is taking pictures with the nuns. The nuns finally leave just as my friends drive down the hill and park. The priest is still down there by his car drinking wine by the creek.
We spread out our yummy assortment of food and begin a nice visit. I laugh again to myself that my friends aren't even noticing that they haven't gotten any wine yet. That would have been my first task upon arrival. They seemed more interested in chit chatting and eating. Finally, my friend says she is going to walk up the hill and get some wine. She starts up the hill and turns back to get some bug spray. Just then a lady comes barrelling down the hill in a golf cart. She ignores the priest, the family and comes straight over to us. She says that she is the owner and that we can't have a car parked down here. Then she asks if we have beer. No, we didn't. Then she asks if we are drinking wine from their winery. Um, my friends were just about to buy some wine from your winery. My friend says she was just about to go get some. Then the goes on and on about how cars can't be parked by the creek, you can't bring in your own alcohol, how they are so busy and how they have to pour people wine for tastings... blah blah blah. She saw that we had a citronella candle and went off about no candles. She went into a long tirade about a nearby state park and how she didn't even know if they allowed citronella candles, how she wasn't sure about that but candles could be a fire hazard. She kept repeating herself like she was a robot stuck on a circuit. We just kept saying, okay. Yes, I understand. Yes, okay. Yes, Maam. Oh okay. Finally, my friend said, "Okay we are leaving NOW." She is an acupuncturist and a hypnotherapist and she later told me that she said it like that because she was trying to snap the woman out of it. It was like she was on some circuit stuck on spewing nervous agitation. We moved their car back to the parking lot and then sat out in the vineyard and chatted while my friends drank the wine they bought.
Here is what is funny about this whole incident. We were doing nothing wrong. We were dressed very nice, quiet, calm and definitely sober. I completely understand them wanting us to spend money at their winery and how people shouldn't use their grounds for picnicking unless they are spending money. I am always sensitive to that kind of thing. I have good etiquette and understand how it is to run a business as well. I totally get that. But I don't think whether we were buying wine had anything to do with what was going on with this lady. I think she was just having some sort of meltdown. Maybe the gay party bus posse put her over the edge. I have no idea. I just enjoyed the fact that I was calm and present and knew that we had done absolutely nothing wrong and I was just witnessing a lady have a meltdown. Good thing she didn't see the party picnic posse chain smoking, cussing and wearing underwear over their clothes. I don't know why she chose to take her frustration out on us specifically. I should have just said, "Do you need a hug?" Anyway, normal winery me would have already been into several glasses of wine, maybe I would have bummed a cigarette from the party posse (a getting drunk thing that sometimes happens with me) and therefore I would have had a whole other take on this woman. I would have felt guilty like I did something wrong. Sober, I was able to see clearly that this wasn't about me, or my friends. Seeing cars parked by the creek was probably the straw that broke the camels back after a long day of dealing with drunk people.
After we left the vineyard and walked around a quaint little town, we sat outside at a little cafe and had coffee. We almost cried laughing so hard about how we could get back at the lady on Trip Advisor. (We never would do that.) We laughed at how we could say... Smoker and Motorcyclists' Paradise. Bring Your Own Beer and ride your dirt back on the hill overlooking the creek. Bring a cooler and fish by the creek after you do some four wheeling. Boom Boxes welcome.
Anyway, the rest of the day was wonderful. We ended up back at my friends house where we stayed up chit chatting and then we spent the night. I really noticed how I would have been pushing my drinking agenda normally and how differently the day unfolded for me. Normally I would have found a way not to drive. Then I would have had wine while waiting for my friends. Probably would have been invited onto the gay party bus while I waited! Then I would have had wine with the picnic, then wine sitting in the vineyard. When we went to the cafe, I would have had more wine! I would have asked that we make some additional stops at some cool places in the town, to check out the cute pub or the beautiful view here or there... so I could have some wine. Then when we settled back at my friends, I would have popped open a bottle that I would have bought at the winery. I would have ended up drunk, but probably not sloppy as these friends don't drink much. Instead, it was awesome to chit chat in my friend's living room and laugh my head off. I am probably way more witty sober!
The next morning we all went to a great place for breakfast. I thoroughly enjoyed my almond milk mocha. I enjoyed every sip without feeling guilty about the night before, without feeling hungover, without wishing I could still be sleeping. After breakfast, we parted ways and I walked to the movie theater around the corner and caught a 10:20 am movie. After that I walked to the reflexology studio and had an hour session. When I finally left to go home, I couldn't believe how much I had already done on a Sunday morning! Breakfast with friends, a movie, some pampering... and I still had the whole day ahead! I felt so grateful and happy for my beautiful, funny, wonderful weekend.
Friday, September 6, 2013
Third Sober Weekend
Well, this will be my third sober weekend. In general, I have felt much happier and better about myself. I feel like I am really honoring my self worth and respecting myself. I keep thinking about the old saying that your body is your temple. It makes me feel good that I am treating it as such. The thought of going home and drinking a bunch of wine doesn't really tempt me. In fact, like many of the stories I have been reading in Blogville, the desire to get drunk is pretty much gone. Who wants to be drunk? I don't think anyone really wants to be drunk. Who wants to be buzzed? Me! Me! Me! Honestly, isn't that why we drink in the first place? Alcohol is an elixer afterall. I have to always keep in mind that once I am buzzed, my body goes into turbo drive headed to sloppy drunk. It is like I always miss the stop to get off the bus at Happy Buzzland and end up in Drunk Disasterland. All kidding aside, I also feel glad to be fully conscious, aware and present. Many of the spiritual leaders, self help gurus, and extremely positive people I admire choose to live their lives without alcohol. On the flip side, I can think of many entrepeneurial leaders that I admire that do drink. But hey, they probably don't have a problem. You may see Richard Branson drinking but you don't see him on the news in trouble for doing inappropriate things. One thing that really made me feel better was finding out a surprising fact about a particular person I admire. I am friends with this person on Facebook but don't really know him well. He has written books on hiking, traveling and adventure. He is also absolutely crazy and hilarious. He tends to fully immerse himself in the culture of whereever he goes and write about it. For some reason, I just assumed that he drank. If you are going to fully immerse yourself in Greek culture, that includes Ouzo right? Or in Russia, you have to drink vodka with your comrades, right? Wrong. I just found out he doesn't drink. He never did. He just never liked alcohol and never became a drinker at all. For some reason that made me happy. I look at him as such an example of a free spirited adventurer. He is living life to the fullest without alcohol as a personal preference! Wow! Anyway, I guess I have always looked up to those daring spirits that journey this life sober. I think it is kind of a rebellious thing to do as well as an enlightened thing to do. So now I am trying it for myself!
Oddly, this weekend I will find myself at a winery. It is my friends 50th birthday and we are meeting at a winery for a picnic. There may be some hiking or walking around a nearby town. I don't feel I will be tempted to drink. First, I have made a decision. I don't drink. So why would I even consider it? Second, I will be driving. Third, I want to fully focus on the beauty of the countryside, the nice food, and the fun conversation with friends. This will be a change from the focus being on the wine... which probably normally leads to a focus on a wine buzz. If I have to be fully honest, I am very slightly agitated that I can't do a tasting. I was always big into visiting wineries, doing wine tasting, doing wine pairings, doing chocolate and wine tastings blah blah blah. I know a lot about wine and took a lot of pleasure in understanding it and enjoying it. I also love vineyards. They are beautiful and wine tastings are fun! I guess letting go of the whole wine tasting experience is a small price to pay for being mentally, physically and spiritually whole. Tomorrow I will be interested in observing my feelings and emotions about being at a winery as a nondrinker.
I won't have time to blog again until Sunday or Monday. I will let you know what the experience was like... That is if anyone is reading this! Well, if anyone is or isn't, it sure has helped me to write on a regular basis.
Oddly, this weekend I will find myself at a winery. It is my friends 50th birthday and we are meeting at a winery for a picnic. There may be some hiking or walking around a nearby town. I don't feel I will be tempted to drink. First, I have made a decision. I don't drink. So why would I even consider it? Second, I will be driving. Third, I want to fully focus on the beauty of the countryside, the nice food, and the fun conversation with friends. This will be a change from the focus being on the wine... which probably normally leads to a focus on a wine buzz. If I have to be fully honest, I am very slightly agitated that I can't do a tasting. I was always big into visiting wineries, doing wine tasting, doing wine pairings, doing chocolate and wine tastings blah blah blah. I know a lot about wine and took a lot of pleasure in understanding it and enjoying it. I also love vineyards. They are beautiful and wine tastings are fun! I guess letting go of the whole wine tasting experience is a small price to pay for being mentally, physically and spiritually whole. Tomorrow I will be interested in observing my feelings and emotions about being at a winery as a nondrinker.
I won't have time to blog again until Sunday or Monday. I will let you know what the experience was like... That is if anyone is reading this! Well, if anyone is or isn't, it sure has helped me to write on a regular basis.
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Patience, Presence and Politeness
I have noticed that since I have not been drinking, I have been so much more relaxed. Since I know I am not going to go home and unwind with a glass (or 5) of wine, I have no reason to be in a hurry. I remember getting so aggravated when I had to make an extra stop on the way home. If I had to go to the grocery store or run an errand, it would be such a negative experience simply because it delayed the commencement of my wind down time. My sober evenings have been filled with reading, maybe a little tv and going to bed at a reasonable hour. I find it funny that I watched so many hours of tv in the evening when often the end of the show or movie would be a bit patchy for me to remember. Maybe I just had the tv on while I got good and drunk just so it felt like that wasn't the only thing I was doing. I also notice how obsessive I would get about things while drinking. People would often tell me that I would get stuck on one subject, one point and just go on and on about it. I found that I would do that while drinking alone too. I might spend forever looking for something, or go on and on commenting on something someone posted on Facebook, writing comments or continuing the joke way past where it needed to go, or even worse write a novel on my Facebook status about some little thing or idea. I have always been a little obsessive about things. Since we are on the subject of drinking at home alone, I would like to clear something up. When I first started this blog, I talked about how I was rarely getting sloppy drunk but when it would happen, I would be devastated. This is true. However, I have to be honest with myself and realize that I was drinking at home a couple nights a week and although I didn't get sloppy drunk, it was normal for me to open the wine bottle and throw away the cork as I just knew that whole bottle would be a goner. I guess I would look at that as blowing off steam. Since it would be just enough to get me drunk before bed but not enough to make me sloppy, I guess I wasn't considering it a horrible thing.
Anyhow back to my point. I have noticed that I am just generally more relaxed without all of the drinking chatter and worry. This has really allowed me to be more patient, present and therefore polite! I would definitely consider myself an extremely polite person anyway, but sometimes I would have to fake it if someone was going on and on delaying me from leaving work or taking too long to explain something. Indeed, I have realized that I am a fast paced person and I get aggravated when someone doesn't follow my logic fast enough, make decisions quickly, or give me the meat and potatoes of a problem without peppering it with unnecessary details. I guess part of that has to do with the fact that I am so intently listening to my clients and am fully focused and present with them so when I am not with clients and in running a business mode, I get overwhelmed with the pure number of things that come into my world in the day. I am constantly on a countdown where I might only have 8 minutes to address this issue or 7 minutes til this or that. I think I put a lot of pressure on my staff to communicate and problem solve with me at lightening speed. Still, I find this highly ironic seeing that it took me twenty years to use my logic to see the extremely obvious fact that drinking was ruining my life, twenty years to decide to stop drinking, and twenty years of babbling to my friends and family the details of my guilt and feelings about drinking. I have learned to slow down and really try to hear what my employees are saying to me even if they want to give me all of the details including the irrelevant ones. If we run out of time, we run out of time. We can resume later. I am not in this constant panic mode where the clock is counting down. So patience, presence and politness... I am really enjoying these states of mind and qualities. I am sure the people around me are enjoying them too!
Anyhow back to my point. I have noticed that I am just generally more relaxed without all of the drinking chatter and worry. This has really allowed me to be more patient, present and therefore polite! I would definitely consider myself an extremely polite person anyway, but sometimes I would have to fake it if someone was going on and on delaying me from leaving work or taking too long to explain something. Indeed, I have realized that I am a fast paced person and I get aggravated when someone doesn't follow my logic fast enough, make decisions quickly, or give me the meat and potatoes of a problem without peppering it with unnecessary details. I guess part of that has to do with the fact that I am so intently listening to my clients and am fully focused and present with them so when I am not with clients and in running a business mode, I get overwhelmed with the pure number of things that come into my world in the day. I am constantly on a countdown where I might only have 8 minutes to address this issue or 7 minutes til this or that. I think I put a lot of pressure on my staff to communicate and problem solve with me at lightening speed. Still, I find this highly ironic seeing that it took me twenty years to use my logic to see the extremely obvious fact that drinking was ruining my life, twenty years to decide to stop drinking, and twenty years of babbling to my friends and family the details of my guilt and feelings about drinking. I have learned to slow down and really try to hear what my employees are saying to me even if they want to give me all of the details including the irrelevant ones. If we run out of time, we run out of time. We can resume later. I am not in this constant panic mode where the clock is counting down. So patience, presence and politness... I am really enjoying these states of mind and qualities. I am sure the people around me are enjoying them too!
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Looking Back at the Cycle
Today was a really lovely day. I did yoga, got a massage and caught up on some paperwork. Today was technically not a day for me to "see clients" but I still went to the office and got a lot done. When I had enough of wresting with the papers on my desk, I decided to tackle some electronic decluttering. I went back to my oldest emails that hadn't been deleted and started going through them. Some are from many years ago. There are various reasons why they were never deleted. Some are great recipes that I never put in a safe place other than in my email and others are important attachements that I want handy by searching my inbox. There are also great links to places I want to travel, projects I want to take on, and assignments from self help things I subscribe to. Basically, anything that is years old but not deleted is either something I continually go back to or something that is unfinished business that I never took on or completed. There were a lot of emails in there that are in the area of unfinished business with getting sober or making up my mind to get sober. There were some emails that I came across that were really sad and eye opening. I have many in there from years ago when I was working with a life coach. I know why I never deleted them and why I still didn't delete them to this day. There were there to remind me of how bad it was sometimes. There are several of them that describe in detail the level of shame, regret, fear and depression after a bad incident with drinking. They are all the same story of being extremely upset after getting unexpectedly sloppy drunk after a night that started out with an anticipation of moderate drinking. In one email from a few years ago, I wrote about how I could moderate 99 percent of the time but it only takes that horrible thing that occurs in the 1 percent of the time that could kill me or ruin my life. I talked about wanting to stop drinking altogether because I was so incredibly scared of what could happen if I didn't. Of course then in later emails I would talk about feeling empowered and making healthy choices. This has been a cycle that has been going on since my college days 20 years ago. As my mind gets clearer and clearer, so many memories of bad times drinking are coming up. Looking back at them now, it is unbelievable to me that I didn't stop sooner. Still, I know why I didn't. I am so incredibly stubborn and tenacious. I was bound and determined to prove to myself that I could fix myself so that I was able to moderate my drinking. I understand that I had to come to the conclusion in my own time about being so much better off and happier without alcohol in my life. Still, it is so incredibly sad to me to read my words of desperation and sadness and see that I felt the exact same way so many times again and again in the past yet I was not ready to do what needed to be done to move forward in life. It seems like so much wasted time and so much unnecessary sadness. It is also sad for me to read the emails during times of doing well with moderation. I sound so confident and happy. I sound certain that I have found the way to live a fulfilled life. As I was reading the words, it made me feel so sorry for that woman, that girl, who is oblivious to the fact that something horrible will happen again, and again, and again. I want to reach into the computer and tell her, "You have no idea how many times you will lose complete control and injure and humiliate yourself. You will try your friends patience. You will spend many mornings so depressed that you don't know if can face the world again because you feel like such a failure in letting the drunkedness come again. Just stop. Stop right now. All of this effort in moderating is misdirected. Put the alcohol down and put the effort into building an authentic life free from obsessing about moderating your alcohol. You can stop worrying and trying so hard to have the life that you want if you just make a decision to give up the alcohol." It is too bad that I had to go through that cycle so many times before I could have clarity on making a firm decision. I guess I have to know that all of the repeated cycles served a purpose if only to take me to the point of finally being ready. As they say, when you need to learn a lesson in life or make a change, the situation will present itself over and over and over and over again. It will present itself as long as it needs to present itself until you see what you need to see and do what you need to do. Deep down I know, everything is unfolding exactly as it should.
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