Since I made my decision to stop drinking, I knew right away one of my biggest challenges would be the ego telling me that I could still experience certain situations with alcohol. When I look at not drinking because I am sticking to a healthier lifestyle choice, I can't think of any single situation where I would not be okay with remaining sober. However, when I look at something as you CAN'T do that anymore, my ego gets very offended. It is amazing how strongly I resist any kind of authority or being told what to do. I have no idea where that came from as I have always excelled in school and in work. It is true that I don't like following rules or having my freedom impinged upon so maybe that is why I own my own business.
Well, I was still high on life after my wonderful weekend when yesterday something took me off guard. The registration and schedule for an upcoming professional/business association convention came in the mail. I am a leader in my profession and am very involved in these conventions in terms of planning and running them. There is usually a crew of leadership that might be entertaining the speakers and having dinner and drinks in the evening. I am usually part of that crew. Historically, a lot of business, planning and problem solving occurs over cocktails late night. I had already decided that I was committed to not drinking and that I would go along with the entertaining and late night discussions while sipping a cranberry and soda. There is also a cocktail reception that I knew I would be attending and I also wasn't worried about being able to enjoy that sober. I knew all of these things always led to overimbibing and staying up too late even when I would set out not to drink too much. I would always try to keep somewhat of a reign on things as I didn't want to embarrass myself with my colleagues. Fortunately or unfortunately, my crew of colleagues that are leaders in our profession tend to get a little crazy themselves so nobody really noticed or thought anything of anyone getting a little fire up. This time was going to be a different experience for me though. I actually looked forward to enjoying the convention and sipping coffee while enthusiastically taking in the first speaker early in the morning.
I was completely aware of the schedule and speakers for this convention as I helped to plan it. But there was something in the schedule that threw me for a loop; something I didn't plan. It was written right there on the brochure: wine tasting. Ugh. It would be highly unusual for me to miss any kind of activity at a convention. I am expected to be an active participant and somewhat of a host. I can attend a cocktail reception and drink nonalcoholic drinks but how can I attend a wine tasting and not drink? Clearly I am going to have to skip it. However, this is going to generate a lot of questions. I don't care if people here or there ask me why I don't have my usual glass of Pinot Noir at the cocktail reception. These people are my close friends and colleagues. Those close enough to me to ask are those close enough for me to say... "I feel like I am happier without drinking. I decided to stop." Or, "I have had a lot of fun with drinking but sometimes I get carried away and it just brings me down." They would get it. But my absence at the wine tasting will generate a lot of questions even from those who may not know me well. Perhaps some of the speakers may even ask why I am not attending. I am not sure if I am ready for that. I may actually have to make up an excuse. I really don't want to do that. I just want to be real and be me.
The difficulty of having to admit that I cannot attend a wine tasting for my own wellbeing is extremely frustrating to me. So there I sat looking at the brochure. I decided I can attend the wine tasting. It probably wouldn't last more than an hour. Technically it was a wine and cheese tasting. I could sip each wine that was presented and then after the wine tasting stop drinking for the rest of the night. Then I would go back to my normal I am not drinking at all self. I pondered this for a while. Once I did the wine tasting, we would all go to dinner. Would I decide to have wine with dinner since I had already done the tasting? After dinner we would go to a bar or lounge. Would I keep going? If I did the wine tasting and didn't continue drinking that night would I be agitated that I had to stop? Wouldn't that be more agitating than just abstaining in a situation that you would normally be drinking.
It is funny (or not) how you can wager a lifetime of sobriety on one single wine tasting at a convention because you are worried about how to present this new you to attendees of a convention. I am going to table my thoughts on this for a while. I have weeks until this occasion will arise. For now, I know that I have been grateful every day that I have had nothing to feel bad about. I also feel like I am giving my emotional self an opportunity to reveal itself more authentically so that I can process anything that I may have ignored in the past. Nothing too significant has come up yet but I have feeling that this is a process that I need to experience in order to feel whole. I don't want to compromise being fully present in my life. I also don't do well with gray areas. If I decide to do this one thing then will I make up other situations where I make an exception? My gut tells me that I will stick with my decision to not drink at all... ever. Does anyone have any experience with the situation I described above regarding being at a work convention where you have had years and years of history drinking with your colleagues? How did you handle it? Also, any thoughts on what to do about avoiding the wine tasting? Clearly this is not something you can attend and just drink water with lemon.
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