Wow, it has been a while since I have written! Life has been a bit up and down but I have remained sober. On one hand I have been thoroughly enjoying the world free of guilt, shame, regret and hangovers but on the other hand my ragweed allergies have been killing me and it has been hard to fully enjoy my new lifestyle. I can't hear out of one ear because I blew my nose so hard that I forced fluid into my eustachian tube. I have been like this for three weeks and it has been thoroughly annoying! I finally saw the ear nose throat specialist this morning and there is a plan to clear it up so hopefully there will be some improvement soon.
There have been two significant events since my last post. The first significant thing is that I completed a really difficult hike that I had only done once before. When I attempted it before, I made it but I really struggled. I struggled enough that when I completed it, I cried... hard. Tears of relief. I struggled enough that I wondered if I would make it back before dark or would I be spending the night on the mountain. For this particular hike, you are committed after a certain point. You drop down into this crevasse at one point and there is no way you can turn around after that because you wouldn't be able to get back up it. You just have to keep going even though you aren't at the summit yet. Last time, I had a lot of fear between that point and the summit because my legs were so tired they were shaking and I was extremely out of breath. I didn't have any certainty that I could do it. I didn't have faith in my body and my will. I was so sore for days afterward the last time that I could barely walk. This time was a whole new experience. I went with the intention of doing a practice hike since my friends and I are going to do it in October. I intended on hiking up to the crevasse point and turning around going back down. It was so much easier this time, I decided to do the whole thing. Yes, it was really really hard but I actually enjoyed it this time. I felt so much more certain of myself and I struggled so much less. This time I was only mildly sore the next two days. You could say I am better shape but not in that much better shape. Maybe I have lost a few pounds but my workout regime hasn't changed much. Honestly, I think that just staying sober, getting proper rest, and having more confidence and wellbeing made all of the difference in the world. Just the simple act of taking care of the body instead of abusing it sure does allow you to feel more connected and confident. All of the yoga in the world couldn't make that one connection that I can't put my finger on but it has to do with having integrity in working with your body. Not just drink at night, do yoga during the day. But live presently, mindfully and lovingly while treating your body with respect.
The second significant thing is that I had a girls night out last weekend. It was our typical wine and cheese before going out, going to a fancy cocktail lounge, going to a foodie restaurant then hitting some places for some after dinner fun. I knew that the night was going to have a lot of alcohol. I know this doesn't support my new lifestyle but this was planned for a long time with some very close friends. We have a hard time getting things on the calendar and it was really important to me to catch up with them. The evening started with wine and cheese and conversation at my friends house. I stuck to water. I didn't feel like the oddball at all and I enjoyed talking and laughing. My friends were really sweet to go out of their way to bring some fancy sparkly carbonated nonalcoholic drink for me. I am having a bit of a hard time with that as I don't want to be treated differently but at the same time it was very considerate of them. I never even ended up drinking it though as I am a water with lemon kind of gal. It is either wine or water for me! Anyway, next we moved to a hipster cocktail lounge, you know the kind with all of the homemade syrups and the bartender is called a mixologist. The kind of place where you get a vodka drink with a basil pomegranate infusion or something like that. I did fine with that too, especially since I started thinking that my friends had several glasses of wine and now are on cocktails and this would be the point where I would be starting to get rocked. I was relieved that there I was still completely present in the moment and able to enjoy the company. Next we moved to the bistro. The wine list was two miles long and there was a little tiny pinch of pain that I couldn't do wine pairings with my dinner. The only really hard part was that my friend ordered a bottle of this special champagne that she had in this certain region of Spain. They ordered a bottle and all discussed the nuances of different types of champagne. This is the only time that I felt like, well, geez, can't I just have one glass of champagne? I didn't. I also felt a little like, well I could just take a sip because then I would see what difference they are referring too in comparing Cava champagne to Prosecco. And of course, taking a sip of champagne also proves that I have no fear of alcohol. One sip doesn't equal this thing called relapse and I am not going to turn to ash and crumble right there at the table. I didn't take a sip. I can be on board with choosing to give up alcohol but lately I am having all kinds of rebellious thoughts if there is any hint of imposing rules and "can'ts" even if I am imposing them on myself. Anyway, all of this only went on for maybe two minutes and then it was back to enjoying dinner. After dinner we ended up stumbling (not really stumbling!) upon this place with an amazing band. There was a bridal party at this bar, including the bride and groom, which made the scene really festive. My friends were dancing really crazy and goofy and I joined right in. I really have never had a problem getting crazy, free or being extroverted without drinking. We had an amazing time. I was really grateful to have enjoyed it in full sobriety.
Today in doing yoga, we were doing the mantra "Sat Nam" Sanskrit for I am truth. Truth is my identity. I had this thought later like what if something was lost in translation and you were actually meditating on the idea of I am a lie. Lies are my identity. My yoga instructor and I laughed about it later. But during my mediation, I did have this wonderful sense of peace. I AM truth. Truth IS my identity. I know what it feels like to live a lie. Even if the lie is just that it is okay to do something that is not reflecting self love and self respect. The lie that it is fine to damage yourself physically and mentally. That is always how I felt about drinking. That it is holding me back from being my highest self. It felt good to know that I wasn't actively sabotaging my highest vibrational energy, my highest potential, my authentic self, my truth. Sat Nam.
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